Over and out.
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Nov 27, 2008
Nov 26, 2008
Help
I have never been very good at accepting help. I am very independent and stubborn to boot. I blame it on my parents- I really do think they raised us all to be individuals, or maybe it's just the alcoholic father thing... or I really am just a whack job- trying to be all "why am I so independent" like it's a problem or defect or something... Oy. I digress.
Whatever the reason, I like to do things myself- it's my first choice and preference. Having a large family, with little kids, and a large house with lots of toilets to clean, and pets, and responsibilities has really made a dent in that practice.
I have become comfortable with accepting and asking for help- Well, comfortable may not be the right word- perhaps tolerable will do. Tolerable of accepting help. Since we are leaving town tomorrow for the Turkey day celebration at my folks house, I had to call my neighbor and friend to throw some food at our dogs Friday morning. We'll be back by Friday evening so it's only one day- not a huge deal. But I hate to ask, I do.
And when I have to ask someone to pick up my son from school, or I can't hop in the car and pick up my daughter's friend to come over for a play date, I hate to ask the other person to do it for me.
Borrowing things, asking for childcare, calling up a friend to see if they can lend a hand fixing my sprinkler system- it should be easier. But every time, I grit my teeth.
I've accepted the necessity in my life to ask for favors, ask for help- but I don't like it.
On the other hand, anytime I can do anything for anybody, I'm there. And I think that is apparent- so that's good. At least it makes me feel better.
Whatever the reason, I like to do things myself- it's my first choice and preference. Having a large family, with little kids, and a large house with lots of toilets to clean, and pets, and responsibilities has really made a dent in that practice.
I have become comfortable with accepting and asking for help- Well, comfortable may not be the right word- perhaps tolerable will do. Tolerable of accepting help. Since we are leaving town tomorrow for the Turkey day celebration at my folks house, I had to call my neighbor and friend to throw some food at our dogs Friday morning. We'll be back by Friday evening so it's only one day- not a huge deal. But I hate to ask, I do.
And when I have to ask someone to pick up my son from school, or I can't hop in the car and pick up my daughter's friend to come over for a play date, I hate to ask the other person to do it for me.
Borrowing things, asking for childcare, calling up a friend to see if they can lend a hand fixing my sprinkler system- it should be easier. But every time, I grit my teeth.
I've accepted the necessity in my life to ask for favors, ask for help- but I don't like it.
On the other hand, anytime I can do anything for anybody, I'm there. And I think that is apparent- so that's good. At least it makes me feel better.
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Nov 25, 2008
A ramble
We normally don't watch t.v. during the week. As a result, our kids are not exposed to PBS, since our local channel doesn't show kids programming on the weekends. Well, we are all off for the week for Thanksgiving break- a lovely idea. This is one of my favorite school breaks. Vacation means access to t.v. during the week. The kids are thrilled.
Ruby has fallen for 'MY, Juh Juh, MY, Juh Juh'. She has just started to get interested in t.v. and thinks Curious George is the best thing ever. We've taped a few shows for the older kids since they enjoy this show as well. However, I can only take so much of the the same show over and over again- so this week we are exploring PBS.
The point of this ramble is the kids have been hooked into PBS- but Ruby keeps institing on George... We watched a bit of Super Why. Grace is watching and then says "Something must be wrong with his diction." Uh, okay... Since when does she recognize diction isssues??? She's 8!
Ruby has fallen for 'MY, Juh Juh, MY, Juh Juh'. She has just started to get interested in t.v. and thinks Curious George is the best thing ever. We've taped a few shows for the older kids since they enjoy this show as well. However, I can only take so much of the the same show over and over again- so this week we are exploring PBS.
The point of this ramble is the kids have been hooked into PBS- but Ruby keeps institing on George... We watched a bit of Super Why. Grace is watching and then says "Something must be wrong with his diction." Uh, okay... Since when does she recognize diction isssues??? She's 8!
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Nov 24, 2008
3 Down
I finished Eclipse.
Bella does get a bit brighter- but not much. The story is still compelling in a weird way. And it is still a simple soap opera. Makes me think about General Hospital in the early 80's, when the good guys had to save the world from freezing over, or some such nonsense.
I am eagerly anticipating finishing the series- but not in the 'can't wait, but don't want it to be over' kind of way. I'll be okay with it being over.
We shall see how it all ends up...
Bella does get a bit brighter- but not much. The story is still compelling in a weird way. And it is still a simple soap opera. Makes me think about General Hospital in the early 80's, when the good guys had to save the world from freezing over, or some such nonsense.
I am eagerly anticipating finishing the series- but not in the 'can't wait, but don't want it to be over' kind of way. I'll be okay with it being over.
We shall see how it all ends up...
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Nov 23, 2008
Rhythm
Yesterday, we traveled down the road a piece to gather at an old friend's house.
We see Laura and her girls from time to time, since she and her husband moved back to California. We talk on the phone. Most recently we have become facebook friends. We have know each other since we were seventeen years old. A lifetime ago. Laura and I lived on the same floor in the dorms at college. Who would have predicted that our friendship would have endured this many years. Not me. Not at 17, anyway. I have pictures in my head of those dorm days. Laughing, drinking, falling down, boyfriends (hers, not mine), vomiting, parties, talking, laughing...riding bikes, listening to her say hello to all the animals as she rode by, cooking meals- later when we each lived off campus- telling her I was in love with another woman, and then visiting each other after college. I can see a few different places she lived, feel the environment and the youth- the settling in time. She went to Africa with the Peace Corps- met her love, came home, married (always a bridesmaid...), started a family. Settling in all over again- different role, different time, mother, wife, friend.
With Michèle, I talk to her all the time, she lives a few states away. She was one of many Michelle's in highschool- she was the only one with and accent and single l- but in highschool all of the Michelle's went by their last name. I've never really called her anything else. We've know each other since we were 13! She was in the upper crust of highschool- one of the top clique. My first memory of her is her making fun of me sitting in front of my locker, reading a book- she even knocked it out of my hands. Bitch. Somehow at Halloween that freshman year we ended up hanging out in a large group with one another. As seniors, we were both in student council. Acquaintances, sure- friends...not good friends, certainly. Then we ended up at college together. She came a semester after me and lived a few floors up. I ran into her at parties- helped her back to the dorm one night with blood running down her knee. She ended up living with me and many others- during my Junior year of college. She was the first I told about falling in love with another woman, which she accepted with no judgement, she helped me get to a friends funeral. She forgave me for setting up her turntable when she didn't want anyone to touch it. She introduced me to Al Jarreau.
She and Laura lived together after we did. I guess I had a hand in that- introducing them to one another- although I don't remember that. Michèle left college and went on to pursue her Master's degree gaining confidence in herself along the way. She to met her love, moved on, started a family.
Amazing, now, to get together with these women and our families. To think back- to wonder ahead. To know that they will always be there for me, and I for them.
For it to be so easy to fall back into rhythm with each other, differently, but the same, briefly together.
I must add a picture- but have to find it first...
We see Laura and her girls from time to time, since she and her husband moved back to California. We talk on the phone. Most recently we have become facebook friends. We have know each other since we were seventeen years old. A lifetime ago. Laura and I lived on the same floor in the dorms at college. Who would have predicted that our friendship would have endured this many years. Not me. Not at 17, anyway. I have pictures in my head of those dorm days. Laughing, drinking, falling down, boyfriends (hers, not mine), vomiting, parties, talking, laughing...riding bikes, listening to her say hello to all the animals as she rode by, cooking meals- later when we each lived off campus- telling her I was in love with another woman, and then visiting each other after college. I can see a few different places she lived, feel the environment and the youth- the settling in time. She went to Africa with the Peace Corps- met her love, came home, married (always a bridesmaid...), started a family. Settling in all over again- different role, different time, mother, wife, friend.
With Michèle, I talk to her all the time, she lives a few states away. She was one of many Michelle's in highschool- she was the only one with and accent and single l- but in highschool all of the Michelle's went by their last name. I've never really called her anything else. We've know each other since we were 13! She was in the upper crust of highschool- one of the top clique. My first memory of her is her making fun of me sitting in front of my locker, reading a book- she even knocked it out of my hands. Bitch. Somehow at Halloween that freshman year we ended up hanging out in a large group with one another. As seniors, we were both in student council. Acquaintances, sure- friends...not good friends, certainly. Then we ended up at college together. She came a semester after me and lived a few floors up. I ran into her at parties- helped her back to the dorm one night with blood running down her knee. She ended up living with me and many others- during my Junior year of college. She was the first I told about falling in love with another woman, which she accepted with no judgement, she helped me get to a friends funeral. She forgave me for setting up her turntable when she didn't want anyone to touch it. She introduced me to Al Jarreau.
She and Laura lived together after we did. I guess I had a hand in that- introducing them to one another- although I don't remember that. Michèle left college and went on to pursue her Master's degree gaining confidence in herself along the way. She to met her love, moved on, started a family.
Amazing, now, to get together with these women and our families. To think back- to wonder ahead. To know that they will always be there for me, and I for them.
For it to be so easy to fall back into rhythm with each other, differently, but the same, briefly together.
I must add a picture- but have to find it first...
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Nov 22, 2008
Imagine
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...
Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one
Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...
You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one
Thanks to John Lennon.
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Nov 20, 2008
Eclipse
Here's another thing that is continuing to annoy me about the Twilight series- The main character, Bella, she's kinda stupid. Her character leaves out important pieces of information when talking to other characters... Sort of like when you are watching the creepy movie and you keep yelling at the woman who just walked in to the house and her lights won't work and she just keeps flicking on and off the switches as she walks further and further into the house to" turn around and get out of the house". I just want to tell Bella- "you forgot that... you need to tell him that..."
And then it is also mildly irritating the way she fawns over Edward's looks- he's so damn perfect. But I chalk it up to her characters age. Also, so far in book three- Edward won't 'let' Bella do some things . And, and, let's not forget that he is cold- I mean like body temp is below normal- she frequently describes him as icy. Sounds fun too cuddle with, huh?
So, so far we have a picture of a smart, but acting stupid, 17/18 year old girl who thinks her boyfriend is too good/handsome/perfect for her and is seemingly okay with the fact that he restrains her activities.
Hmmph.
I'm still enjoying the read.
And then it is also mildly irritating the way she fawns over Edward's looks- he's so damn perfect. But I chalk it up to her characters age. Also, so far in book three- Edward won't 'let' Bella do some things . And, and, let's not forget that he is cold- I mean like body temp is below normal- she frequently describes him as icy. Sounds fun too cuddle with, huh?
So, so far we have a picture of a smart, but acting stupid, 17/18 year old girl who thinks her boyfriend is too good/handsome/perfect for her and is seemingly okay with the fact that he restrains her activities.
Hmmph.
I'm still enjoying the read.
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Nov 19, 2008
Soo tired...
Going to bed, legs are quaking, time to turn in- maybe read a bit...
The cookies were yummy... too bad it's not like Willy Wonka and Mike TV- then we could just pass 'em through the internet.
Hmph.
The cookies were yummy... too bad it's not like Willy Wonka and Mike TV- then we could just pass 'em through the internet.
Hmph.
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Nov 18, 2008
Bedtime Snack!
I had to borrow sugar from our kind friends and neighbors (since I sent all of mine in for the upcoming Kindergarten Turkey day feast).
And within 45 minutes I had my craving, warm in my hand...
Waiting for them to cool...
And within 45 minutes I had my craving, warm in my hand...
Waiting for them to cool...
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
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Nov 17, 2008
Twilight Series
I am almost to the end of book two. I have found the story to be captivating and am anxious to read all four books. BUT ( see, big but) I am not enthralled with them. All the comments I have heard are about what a fabulous love story this is, full of sexual tension and, well, love. And I have had no problem putting them down- many find it difficult.
As I read these books, I am reminded of what it is like to fall in love, certainly. The initial rush and and deep longing and desire. I can see that, however the characters are 17! Even Edward, although immortal, was changed into a vampire at that age- so emotionally, I would put him at the same age, even though he has lived many more years past 17. The raw and new love of a teenager-is easily won over by a more mature love. I find it very easy to dismiss the passion these two feel for one another as a first love. As a result, it reads like a teen romance, nothing more.
The books don't have any of the sophistication that I was expecting or even multiple layers to investigate. They are very straightforward. I find myself comparing them to the Harry Potter series. The Harry Potter books were much more complex.
So far, I am most interested to see how it all ends up, and feel compelled to read all four. The second book, New Moon, has been more interesting- more characters to add some more interest (without giving anything away- I'd hate to spoil it for someone else).
We shall see what book three brings. I haven't gotten a hold of book four yet, and may not, since lemonade was accidentally spilled on book two- oops. I have offered to replace it- it's not ruined, just a tiny bit wrinkled and damp...
As I read these books, I am reminded of what it is like to fall in love, certainly. The initial rush and and deep longing and desire. I can see that, however the characters are 17! Even Edward, although immortal, was changed into a vampire at that age- so emotionally, I would put him at the same age, even though he has lived many more years past 17. The raw and new love of a teenager-is easily won over by a more mature love. I find it very easy to dismiss the passion these two feel for one another as a first love. As a result, it reads like a teen romance, nothing more.
The books don't have any of the sophistication that I was expecting or even multiple layers to investigate. They are very straightforward. I find myself comparing them to the Harry Potter series. The Harry Potter books were much more complex.
So far, I am most interested to see how it all ends up, and feel compelled to read all four. The second book, New Moon, has been more interesting- more characters to add some more interest (without giving anything away- I'd hate to spoil it for someone else).
We shall see what book three brings. I haven't gotten a hold of book four yet, and may not, since lemonade was accidentally spilled on book two- oops. I have offered to replace it- it's not ruined, just a tiny bit wrinkled and damp...
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Nov 16, 2008
Signs
Okay, what's with all the people standing at every street corner holding signs?
It seems every major intersection in town has people pacing back and forth holding or wearing signs.
Hot Pizza-$ 5.00!
Furniture Store Going Out of Business!
Department Store Liquidating- 40%-60% Off!
Homes For Sale! on a huge arrow pointing or twirling in circles, depending on whose holding it at the moment.
Some person dressed like a fruit (real actual piece of fruit) waving and jumping up and down- Come On In To My Deli!!!
Is this the new fad to get our attention? Real live human beings advertising?
What I find most disturbing about these folks, is that most of the ones I have
seen look tattered and tired. One guy is always outfitted with a gas mask, seriously, hat, long pants (even in the sweltering 100˚ heat we get in the summer), and a long sleeve sweatshirt. I pass him the most frequently and I always wish I had a job to offer ,that would get him away from the smog that I assume he is protecting himself from...And then I think- hey we could use some extra money- I bet I could get one of those jobs!
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Nov 15, 2008
Tweaked
Somehow- I tweaked my back and last night it came to a roar. Right about 5:30 my flank area started spasming like crazy. It got to the point where I was unable to take a deep breath without it hurting, which caused me to take a sharp intake of breath.. crazy. It had been just a bothersome ache and suddenly I couldn't breathe and it was coming in waves- I started panicking and make Käri google my symptoms- I love Dr. Google- Kidney stones??? no nausea, no blood in the urine, no groin pain... I swallowed 4 Motrin in a hurry and made myself a stiff drink- natural muscle relaxant, right?
After a half hour I was much better- whoo-wee though, that was a killer. Today I've just stuck with 4 every 4 hours and it's kept the pain and spasms at bay.
I've started doing childcare for an 8 week old, and he's a sling boy... I'm hoping it's not the sling...
Käri went to a baby shower this morning and I didn't want to chance my back getting all crazy so we did not go to the 8 rally in town. I was bummed about that...
I did hear about another event. It's called Day without a Gay. Everyone can join in the fun of calling in Gay to work, school, whatever, and then, if they are so inclined, to donate their time to service. You can see the link here.
After a half hour I was much better- whoo-wee though, that was a killer. Today I've just stuck with 4 every 4 hours and it's kept the pain and spasms at bay.
I've started doing childcare for an 8 week old, and he's a sling boy... I'm hoping it's not the sling...
Käri went to a baby shower this morning and I didn't want to chance my back getting all crazy so we did not go to the 8 rally in town. I was bummed about that...
I did hear about another event. It's called Day without a Gay. Everyone can join in the fun of calling in Gay to work, school, whatever, and then, if they are so inclined, to donate their time to service. You can see the link here.
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Nov 14, 2008
Pros
Have I ever mentioned one of the great pros of being in a relationship with another woman? Although I suppose the same would hold true for being a relationship with another man...
When dealing with bills, various accounts, doctors etc, we can pretend to be one another.
Today, I went through the ever growing, never ceasing pile of papers on the counter. I encountered several bills that needed to dealt with, dare I say, immediately. It's under my job description as homemaker to deal with these things and I had been neglecting my duties-
I called up the folks, gave my assumed name, SSN, password, birthdate, mother's maiden name- the works. And was promptly allowed in to deal with it. I love that.
When dealing with bills, various accounts, doctors etc, we can pretend to be one another.
Today, I went through the ever growing, never ceasing pile of papers on the counter. I encountered several bills that needed to dealt with, dare I say, immediately. It's under my job description as homemaker to deal with these things and I had been neglecting my duties-
I called up the folks, gave my assumed name, SSN, password, birthdate, mother's maiden name- the works. And was promptly allowed in to deal with it. I love that.
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Nov 13, 2008
Safe?
A while back I read an online news article about a man dropping off his children at a local hospital in Nebraska. He had been recently widowed, and was at a loss about what to do with his kids. That's the last I heard of it- until tonight. Tonight I read another article that claims over 20 children have been legally abandoned at local Nebraska hospitals.
The main focus of tonight's story was about a woman who abandoned her 18 year old at the hospital. A young lady who had a history of mental disorders and who had been physically abused and then left alone with her, dead, biological mother for a week when she was a young girl. A young lady who had been adopted- I assume from the foster care system. A young lady who has now been "abandoned" twice, by her two mothers... a young lady with mental illness.
How does someone recover from that and move on? Is there any hope that this young lady will mature into a socially acceptable adult?? I wonder.
What goes with out mentioning is the serious problems that lie within the foster and adoptive care systems.
The adoptive mother claims she was unable to get help for daughter- And felt that this way the authorities would be forced to get the girl help. Nebraska refused to take custody of this young lady, since legally she is an adult. Where is she now? The article reports that the mother left with the daughter. I wonder how that is working out? You can read it for yourself here.
Nebraska is re-working their safe haven law to include the word infant. It is currently written as child.
The main focus of tonight's story was about a woman who abandoned her 18 year old at the hospital. A young lady who had a history of mental disorders and who had been physically abused and then left alone with her, dead, biological mother for a week when she was a young girl. A young lady who had been adopted- I assume from the foster care system. A young lady who has now been "abandoned" twice, by her two mothers... a young lady with mental illness.
How does someone recover from that and move on? Is there any hope that this young lady will mature into a socially acceptable adult?? I wonder.
What goes with out mentioning is the serious problems that lie within the foster and adoptive care systems.
The adoptive mother claims she was unable to get help for daughter- And felt that this way the authorities would be forced to get the girl help. Nebraska refused to take custody of this young lady, since legally she is an adult. Where is she now? The article reports that the mother left with the daughter. I wonder how that is working out? You can read it for yourself here.
Nebraska is re-working their safe haven law to include the word infant. It is currently written as child.
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Nov 12, 2008
Nov 11, 2008
And it goes on...
Hand washing dishes for 10. SEARS is coming to fix the dishwasher today. How long will it be until the needed parts arrive? The repair person is also coming to fix the washing machine - convenient that they both broke the same day- or perhaps a major pain in the ass?
He came, he went- the parts will be here on the 21st- he thinks. Lovely. Know how much laundry we'll have by then?? Last time this happened, in the middle of it all, we did 26 loads...
I have a long list of bloggers that I visit, when I can. In the last two weeks or so I have been so absorbed with the 8 campaign, all I can read is anything related to the Proposition. I've been missing all the funny and inspirational stories and writers and am getting a bit bogged down with the 8 talk- Yet, I can't seem to tear myself away.
A few people have expressed their condolences and said- "well, you can't win them all"- my response- "Yes, you can, oh yes, you can!"
I'm trying to move on here- but it consumes me. Facebook threads, blogs, newspaper articles, editorials, courage campaign, EQCA, Youtube... yes on 8 and no on 8 . I want to hear what they all say- both sides. I think it's an effort to understand where the yes on 8 folks are coming from. As much as I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I am having a very different reaction to this. And in this case, I guess I'm willing to concede that certain people have religious beliefs that do not allow them to think outside the box. They are entrenched in their faith to the point that they are unable or unwilling to allow another point of view to be reasonable.
See, if we were talking about a proposition that was to amend the constitution, say Amendment 1- limiting the free exercise of religion. I think, perhaps, it would not pass. The religious folks would be all over taking away their constitutional rights.
But that is where the argument falls apart for me. Regardless of personal or religious beliefs- an amendment taking my rights away is wrong. Pure and simple. Yes on 8 was, and is, wrong. And I know I've said it before, but I cannot get over people in my community, in our school circle, people who know me, know my family, had Käri as their child's first grade teacher, who voted yes. I can forgive it- slowly. I can buy their religious excuses as the reason behind their vote. I can't or, admittedly, won't forget.
So I guess 8 is going to haunt me for a while. Feel free to shield your eyes.
He came, he went- the parts will be here on the 21st- he thinks. Lovely. Know how much laundry we'll have by then?? Last time this happened, in the middle of it all, we did 26 loads...
I have a long list of bloggers that I visit, when I can. In the last two weeks or so I have been so absorbed with the 8 campaign, all I can read is anything related to the Proposition. I've been missing all the funny and inspirational stories and writers and am getting a bit bogged down with the 8 talk- Yet, I can't seem to tear myself away.
A few people have expressed their condolences and said- "well, you can't win them all"- my response- "Yes, you can, oh yes, you can!"
I'm trying to move on here- but it consumes me. Facebook threads, blogs, newspaper articles, editorials, courage campaign, EQCA, Youtube... yes on 8 and no on 8 . I want to hear what they all say- both sides. I think it's an effort to understand where the yes on 8 folks are coming from. As much as I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I am having a very different reaction to this. And in this case, I guess I'm willing to concede that certain people have religious beliefs that do not allow them to think outside the box. They are entrenched in their faith to the point that they are unable or unwilling to allow another point of view to be reasonable.
See, if we were talking about a proposition that was to amend the constitution, say Amendment 1- limiting the free exercise of religion. I think, perhaps, it would not pass. The religious folks would be all over taking away their constitutional rights.
But that is where the argument falls apart for me. Regardless of personal or religious beliefs- an amendment taking my rights away is wrong. Pure and simple. Yes on 8 was, and is, wrong. And I know I've said it before, but I cannot get over people in my community, in our school circle, people who know me, know my family, had Käri as their child's first grade teacher, who voted yes. I can forgive it- slowly. I can buy their religious excuses as the reason behind their vote. I can't or, admittedly, won't forget.
So I guess 8 is going to haunt me for a while. Feel free to shield your eyes.
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Nov 10, 2008
Nov 9, 2008
What are you?
Mia and Gus come charging into the kitchen
Mia- "Mommy, I'm Mexican, right, I'm Mexican?"
Mommy- "Yeah, you're Mexican, why?
Mia- "Gus say's I'm not, he says I'm something else"
Gus- " Well, I'm an Omnivore..."
Mia- "See!"
Mia- "Mommy, I'm Mexican, right, I'm Mexican?"
Mommy- "Yeah, you're Mexican, why?
Mia- "Gus say's I'm not, he says I'm something else"
Gus- " Well, I'm an Omnivore..."
Mia- "See!"
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Nov 8, 2008
Got garlic?
It looks as though I will soon be delving in to the vampire world. A friend has agreed to lend them to me. Finally- no one wants to seem to let go of them.
Everywhere I go I hear women talking about the Twilight series books. Are they really that good? Some women seem to like the "soft porn" in the books others just love the story. I haven't even looked up what they are about or asked anyone really the story line is- I just can't escape the constant chatter about these damn books. The suspense is driving me nutty. Gotta read 'em.
We'll see how it goes.
8 is still in my head...
Everywhere I go I hear women talking about the Twilight series books. Are they really that good? Some women seem to like the "soft porn" in the books others just love the story. I haven't even looked up what they are about or asked anyone really the story line is- I just can't escape the constant chatter about these damn books. The suspense is driving me nutty. Gotta read 'em.
We'll see how it goes.
8 is still in my head...
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Nov 7, 2008
Nov 6, 2008
Moving Forward
I received a comment on my last post- someone I hadn't heard from before and while I don't always respond to each commenter I do read and appreciate them.
I took a visit to Erika's blog and stumbled on this piece. This isn't it in its entirety. I edited some of her more personal details out- I asked her permission to post her words here- but please take a visit to her blog. Be Gay About It Her eloquence is wonderful.
These words resonated for me. They speak of an experience that some of us have gone through in a remarkably similar way. Enjoy the read.
The inner troll, the crushes, the crushes on boys and girls, the attempt, the pressure to be straight, act straight, live in a straight world, be more feminine, more of a straight girl, the suppression of self, moments of panic, the idea that I have chosen this, the possibility of rejection...
And this-
"Over the years, I have mastered the arts of detecting nuances and bracing myself. One might argue that this is a stressful way to live; I would agree, but add that it is a necessary way to live when there is little to no recourse in preserving my safety and the security of my family."
These things that I imagine many straight people do not encounter. That are, perhaps, akin to the coming out experience, of identifying as queer. I don't know. I can't ever be sure because I am not straight. I can't walk in a straight person's shoes, if you will. In the same way I can't know, really know what it's like to grow up with a different skin color, or as a boy.
I can only make careful educated assumptions, inquire, wonder, read, and learn. And mostly most importantly, respect. Respect others that aren't me.
Be careful, be honest, move forward.
And Erika? Please forgive my crude editing- I wanted to let readers know that there was more to your post than what I put here- thus the "...". Your words felt healing to me today- I thank you.
I took a visit to Erika's blog and stumbled on this piece. This isn't it in its entirety. I edited some of her more personal details out- I asked her permission to post her words here- but please take a visit to her blog. Be Gay About It Her eloquence is wonderful.
These words resonated for me. They speak of an experience that some of us have gone through in a remarkably similar way. Enjoy the read.
"I made it through my primary and secondary school years like every other normal girl, chasing boys on the playground, even “going out” with them in the milk line or cafeteria. In high school, I continued to crush outwardly on boys, but I invested every atom of my being into adoring my best friend. At the height of this adoration, I raised over $2,000 so that she could go to opera camp in California. It was in high school that the something small & heavy returned to the pit of my stomach, this time with a throatier growl.
In college, my high school best friend and I grew apart. (More likely, I scared her away with my intense, quasi courting rituals.) Enter: new best friend. My new best friend was different than anyone I’d ever known. Her outsides were beef jerky and her insides were marshmallow. We spent a lot of time together and, before long, our symbiotic bond had me quoting Rilke. What I didn’t realize at the time was that once one reaches the point where she can articulate her feelings only by reciting the verse of a dead, German, existentialist poet, she’s pretty much in love with a girl.
The plotline we shared surged and died abruptly and she and I stopped communicating altogether. The troll in my gut flailed and moaned. Left alone to collect the shards of our story, I tried to confront the troll once and for all. I bought a stack of gay-themed books, thinking I could negotiate with shame. After a month, though, I picked up the books and threw them into the large, green garbage can behind our house.
For the next few years, the troll remained with me, a parasite to my true self, an alter ego with a conscience. Alternately, I dated a boy, hung out at a few lesbian dinner parties (nearly vomiting at each one), dated another boy, and crushed really hard on a girl or two. I knew who I was through all of this, but I couldn’t tell myself the truth about who I was through all of this. I knew the words existed, but I would not speak them. Speaking them would’ve meant that I did not fit, that every message I had received through observations of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, through television shows, through magazine ads, through every soft rock ballad, through greeting cards — through everything — did not apply to me. I was different and, while I didn’t see anything wrong with how I was different, I knew that others did.
Ken Hardy captures my experience perfectly in his book Teens Who Hurt. He wrote “For adolescents who are in a state of questioning with regard to their sexual orientation, there is no breathing room, no space to take a deep breath and reflect. There is no margin for error. In a society that promotes heterosexuality, simply expressing doubt about one’s sexuality can be quite painful and costly.” I would extend his observation to include adults, too, as I remained shoulder to shoulder with my troll in this airless space well into my late 20s.
Because I live in a culture that promotes heterosexuality over any other sexuality, I have been marginalized my entire life. I felt butterflies for my friend who slept over in 1st grade, but I knew that expressing that would mean ridicule and isolation. I doted on my best friend in high school, but I knew that verbalizing that would have meant being ostracized by my peers. I dreamed of growing old with my best friend in college, but confessing that to her devastated our relationship and propelled me into a tailspin of self-loathing. Hardy remarked, “No matter how complex the difficulties with devaluation are for gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning youth, a firm declaration of their heterosexuality is believed to be the best remedy.” In other words, the dominant discourse is clear:
be straight, be straight, be straight.
In my mid-20s, the stress of suppressing my authentic self stifled me. In a desperate effort to create space in my life, I moved to Denver where, while working in a law office, I became friends with one of the female attorneys and her life partner. I spent time with them and their lesbian friends and attended the neighborhood open & affirming church a few times, broadening my exposure to people like me and people who accepted people like me. I acquired a new stack of books and read them without throwing them away. Narrative after narrative resonated. Through my conversations with my new friends and through reading, my troll quieted, the shame receded. I came out to my family, then to my friends back home. Each time I divulged my truth, waves of liberated panic flushed through me.
The society in which I live–our society, this society, here and now– ignores the possibility of me, disregards the reality of me, and limits the potential of me through its government, its laws, its media, its marketed portrait of family, and its sociocultural definition of normal. Three years ago, barely out of the closet and single, I did not understand the girth of this injustice. I did not address it with the passion that I do now because, now, as my partner Jenn and I build our future together, it’s personal."..."
Knowing that I am precluded the basic rights, benefits, and protections granted to my heterosexual counterparts elicits in me anger and sadness. But anger and sadness are emotions I can overcome. What really haunts me about the discriminatory social infrastructure that brands me as a derelict without taking into account my personhood is the argument made by opponents to homosexuality (also known as proponents of marriage)— that I have a choice. They simplify the issue of sexual orientation by implying that if I want the same rights, benefits, and protections that my heterosexual counterparts enjoy, all I have to do is choose the orientation that will grant me those rights. But even the mere fact that they are offering me this option proves that I am disenfranchised, that I am the second class citizen. (Not to mention, as my grandmother points out, they never had to choose heterosexuality). The only real choice I am able to make within this rigid, exclusive system is whether or not to live a genuine, authentic life and this violates our Constitutional promise of freedom and equality for all."
"..."
"Each and every time I meet someone new, I come face to face with possible rejection. Even with those who accept me for who I am, including my sexual orientation, I have a hard time stifling what little remains of the troll. I wonder, Do they really accept me? or What are they thinking? or Is this another case of ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’?. Over the years, I have mastered the arts of detecting nuances and bracing myself. One might argue that this is a stressful way to live; I would agree, but add that it is a necessary way to live when there is little to no recourse in preserving my safety and the security of my family.
One of my favorite musicians wrote, “There is so much to know and so little to fear in love.” This is what I believe to be truth. My greatest hope is that by speaking this truth every chance I get, I will be able to let down my guard. My greatest hope is that I will be evaluated by my personhood and citizenship, not by some mythical interpreation of what my partner and I do in our bedroom, or by superstitious beliefs about how that might impact our ability to parent, to file taxes together, or to share health insurance.
My greatest hope is that 7 year old girls and boys will not know what it feels like to be demonized.
My greatest hope is that we all will live, really live, genuine, authentic lives."
The inner troll, the crushes, the crushes on boys and girls, the attempt, the pressure to be straight, act straight, live in a straight world, be more feminine, more of a straight girl, the suppression of self, moments of panic, the idea that I have chosen this, the possibility of rejection...
And this-
"Over the years, I have mastered the arts of detecting nuances and bracing myself. One might argue that this is a stressful way to live; I would agree, but add that it is a necessary way to live when there is little to no recourse in preserving my safety and the security of my family."
These things that I imagine many straight people do not encounter. That are, perhaps, akin to the coming out experience, of identifying as queer. I don't know. I can't ever be sure because I am not straight. I can't walk in a straight person's shoes, if you will. In the same way I can't know, really know what it's like to grow up with a different skin color, or as a boy.
I can only make careful educated assumptions, inquire, wonder, read, and learn. And mostly most importantly, respect. Respect others that aren't me.
Be careful, be honest, move forward.
And Erika? Please forgive my crude editing- I wanted to let readers know that there was more to your post than what I put here- thus the "...". Your words felt healing to me today- I thank you.
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Cage Results
The animals won a bigger, or no, cage. (proposition 2)
Mine, became smaller. (proposition 8)
Mine, became smaller. (proposition 8)
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Nov 5, 2008
What to do?
I am sad, bewildered, and I think mostly pissed. It's hard to know.
What to do now?
Really I just want to ask everyone I come in contact with how they voted on prop 8.
And if they voted yes- I want to say FUCK YOU!!
edited to add the photo- since I was tagged by Gwendomama!
Don't you get it? Don't you get how it feels to be marginalized? Don't you get how you've just told me that my love, my life, is wrong? Don't you get that there is a separation of church and state? If your particular brand of religion is against gay marriage- so be it. Stay out of the constitution.
How do I look at the playground aide, the brownie troop leader, the mom who gave us a meal after Käri had surgery who says "they're okay, but not the rest of those gay people?
I'm sure it's displaced anger. Anger at myself for not doing more, saying more, being more outspoken to everyone, anger at 52% of Californians.
It's a strange place to be. I wish I could speak more eloquently about it all- this will have to do.
For now.
We have received several e-mails and phone calls commiserating, expressing their sorrow at 8's passing and overall expressing their support for us and our family. Awfully nice.
What to do now?
Really I just want to ask everyone I come in contact with how they voted on prop 8.
And if they voted yes- I want to say FUCK YOU!!
edited to add the photo- since I was tagged by Gwendomama!
Don't you get it? Don't you get how it feels to be marginalized? Don't you get how you've just told me that my love, my life, is wrong? Don't you get that there is a separation of church and state? If your particular brand of religion is against gay marriage- so be it. Stay out of the constitution.
How do I look at the playground aide, the brownie troop leader, the mom who gave us a meal after Käri had surgery who says "they're okay, but not the rest of those gay people?
I'm sure it's displaced anger. Anger at myself for not doing more, saying more, being more outspoken to everyone, anger at 52% of Californians.
It's a strange place to be. I wish I could speak more eloquently about it all- this will have to do.
For now.
We have received several e-mails and phone calls commiserating, expressing their sorrow at 8's passing and overall expressing their support for us and our family. Awfully nice.
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Nov 4, 2008
4 times
Four times I have welled with tears this morning.
Apparently, I am more anxious about this election than I thought.
The first was talking to a friend this morning who is voting for McCain- I can respect that, but then when talking further she avoided Prop 8 discussion other than to say "it's a huge discussion at my house".
I don't understand how this friend can support me and my family and yet, more than likely, vote yes on 8.
The second was listening to NPR replaying Obama talking about his grandmother.
The third listening to voters speak on NPR after they had finished voting.
And the fourth was after I completed voting and my little girls were so good sitting at the table coloring and eating cookies- thinking about their future, wondering about the outcome of this election and recognizing how much our country needs change.
Will it happen?
My oldest, Leo, told me he really wants Prop 8 to lose because he wants us to be happy, he doesn't want us to have to separate, "because won't it be against the law, for you to stay together if 8 passes?"
Apparently, I am more anxious about this election than I thought.
The first was talking to a friend this morning who is voting for McCain- I can respect that, but then when talking further she avoided Prop 8 discussion other than to say "it's a huge discussion at my house".
I don't understand how this friend can support me and my family and yet, more than likely, vote yes on 8.
The second was listening to NPR replaying Obama talking about his grandmother.
The third listening to voters speak on NPR after they had finished voting.
And the fourth was after I completed voting and my little girls were so good sitting at the table coloring and eating cookies- thinking about their future, wondering about the outcome of this election and recognizing how much our country needs change.
Will it happen?
My oldest, Leo, told me he really wants Prop 8 to lose because he wants us to be happy, he doesn't want us to have to separate, "because won't it be against the law, for you to stay together if 8 passes?"
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Nov 3, 2008
Yes on 8, no more...
At least there are no more 'Yes on 8' signs on certain roads in my community any longer- I was just informed this morning that any political signs on public property is against the law! I had no idea. On our way out of town on Saturday morning we drove past a couple of men with a truck load of 'Yes on 8' signs. They were stopping along the highway every so often and planting them on the side of the road. Expressing their opinion, all right, I thought... Ah, but then to find out they were breaking the law. It was my duty to rectify that situation. Along the way I also picked up a few McCain signs... ALL were illegally placed on the side of the road. I made no attempt to hide my actions- the law was on my side.
And let's not forget I had an accomplice or five... The extra grown up grabbed some signs, as well and the other four, well, it was an opportunity for learning. They looked for the color yellow and counted- "Two mama, two"
23 Yes • 4 McCain (edited to add)+2 more yes...
My civic duty... Complete.
And let's not forget I had an accomplice or five... The extra grown up grabbed some signs, as well and the other four, well, it was an opportunity for learning. They looked for the color yellow and counted- "Two mama, two"
23 Yes • 4 McCain (edited to add)+2 more yes...
My civic duty... Complete.
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Nov 2, 2008
Home Again
The good news is they all slept great in the hotel. The bad news is they weren't quite perfect-
I wrote a paragraph or two of all the mishaps- read it over again and then deleted it... I won't focus on the negative- let's just say, my expectations were higher...
Eight kids in the car for a five hour trip in the pouring rain- quick change in a hotel room, one covered in vomit and on to the wedding - full of family and a bunch of strangers.
Five hours of wedding activities including poking the large fire pit/bar-b-ques with long sticks, playing hide and seek, dancing, and eating, all in the pouring rain. The outside deck was covered with various tarps, but it was impossible for the kids to keep dry- all the water was way too alluring.
A return to the hotel room for a late bedtime, 10:00- one big 'ol tantrum- and up at 5:30 (we did turn the clocks back before we went to bed). Out to breakfast in a small town where it seemed that everyone there was a friend or family member and then back to the hall for some help cleaning up. A walk to see the old cabin and Auntie Michelle's house, and then back into the car for a five hour trip home- thankfully in dry weather.
In the end- they did fine- no catastrophes, just some hiccups.
It was a great wedding- a fun time. The ceremony was brief and perfect for them- fun to see some forgotten faces.
I wrote a paragraph or two of all the mishaps- read it over again and then deleted it... I won't focus on the negative- let's just say, my expectations were higher...
Eight kids in the car for a five hour trip in the pouring rain- quick change in a hotel room, one covered in vomit and on to the wedding - full of family and a bunch of strangers.
Five hours of wedding activities including poking the large fire pit/bar-b-ques with long sticks, playing hide and seek, dancing, and eating, all in the pouring rain. The outside deck was covered with various tarps, but it was impossible for the kids to keep dry- all the water was way too alluring.
A return to the hotel room for a late bedtime, 10:00- one big 'ol tantrum- and up at 5:30 (we did turn the clocks back before we went to bed). Out to breakfast in a small town where it seemed that everyone there was a friend or family member and then back to the hall for some help cleaning up. A walk to see the old cabin and Auntie Michelle's house, and then back into the car for a five hour trip home- thankfully in dry weather.
In the end- they did fine- no catastrophes, just some hiccups.
It was a great wedding- a fun time. The ceremony was brief and perfect for them- fun to see some forgotten faces.
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Nov 1, 2008
Going to the Chapel
I've been humming it all day...
It wasn't exactly a chapel, but a hall in a little corner of redwoods in Camp Meeker. How I love this place. Summers were spent here in our family cabin when I was a pre-teen and then teen. So many great memories of family and later friends at Meldave (our cabin's name). I'd hike around the roads and trails, ocassionally forging my own, and tromp through the creek. Some days we'd pack up and head to the beach in Monte Rio or sometimes Guerneville. Bring a lunch and hang out all day reading Evergreen or the 'Attic' series. I explored St. Dorothy's when it wasn't occupied and once went snipe hunting late at night. Many rounds of moanin' rummy and learning to play Pedro- watching my aunts and uncles laugh, cocktails in hand. Sleeping on the screened in porch, a little scared at the night noises surrounding the cabin. Always cold at night ,snuggled in a sleeping bag, and the days warm and hot. Perfect weather!
Today we returned for my sister's wedding. She married her partner of fifteen years. They were giddy, nervous, and excited. My other sister lives in Camp Meeker and was eloquoent in her officiating the ceremony. A lovely and lively party that we left before it was over. Dancing, singing, drinking, talking and laughing.
Relatives, friends, kids... Many years of history and memories in that room. Many came from Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, and from all over the Bay Area. So many good feelings and warmth.
I was surprised, a bit, at some of my relatives who actually attended, and my father who agreed to walk my sister down the aisle- how far he has come to do this for her, with her.
A fun time, a good time, a legal time.
It wasn't exactly a chapel, but a hall in a little corner of redwoods in Camp Meeker. How I love this place. Summers were spent here in our family cabin when I was a pre-teen and then teen. So many great memories of family and later friends at Meldave (our cabin's name). I'd hike around the roads and trails, ocassionally forging my own, and tromp through the creek. Some days we'd pack up and head to the beach in Monte Rio or sometimes Guerneville. Bring a lunch and hang out all day reading Evergreen or the 'Attic' series. I explored St. Dorothy's when it wasn't occupied and once went snipe hunting late at night. Many rounds of moanin' rummy and learning to play Pedro- watching my aunts and uncles laugh, cocktails in hand. Sleeping on the screened in porch, a little scared at the night noises surrounding the cabin. Always cold at night ,snuggled in a sleeping bag, and the days warm and hot. Perfect weather!
Today we returned for my sister's wedding. She married her partner of fifteen years. They were giddy, nervous, and excited. My other sister lives in Camp Meeker and was eloquoent in her officiating the ceremony. A lovely and lively party that we left before it was over. Dancing, singing, drinking, talking and laughing.
Relatives, friends, kids... Many years of history and memories in that room. Many came from Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, and from all over the Bay Area. So many good feelings and warmth.
I was surprised, a bit, at some of my relatives who actually attended, and my father who agreed to walk my sister down the aisle- how far he has come to do this for her, with her.
A fun time, a good time, a legal time.
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