Four Plus Four Equals Ten

Love it. Want it.

2011-10-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

running

2011-01-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

Sorely neglected blog... Seems like a fine place to record my attempts to "run".

I completed Week one of the Couch to 5K program tonight. It is not a New Years Resolution- I've been thinking about digging in again for some months, but had to come around to it when I was ready. It just turns out that that was last Tuesday.

Santa brought me some running pants and shirts. I checked out my tennis shoes, that are relatively new, at the local running store just to make sure I could wear them. I hate to make a financial investment to something if I'm not sure I'm going to keep at it- so the shoes checked out okay and if I keep at this running gig then I can spend the bucks to invest in a better pair later. It feels good to move my body and do something for me. And I love that the pants don't bunch up.

I was proud of myself for completing each of the three runs as directed- I was able to run (they really mean a heavy plodding sort of jog, right?) every time for the eight 60 second intervals. My shins and calves really hurt after that first run, but that has gotten better. I'm trying to stretch before and after. I think it helps. Tonight, I ran around the track just to see how far I was going for the whole workout and I actually walked/jogged 2 miles- not too bad. But I was very dizzy afterwards- had to sit for a while before i could drive home. Once at home, I had a lot of water some powerade and chicken- still dizzy. I'm thinking maybe dehydrated a bit. Plus, i ate a bagel and cream cheese just an hour before... I'll see what happens next time.

Tuesday. Week 2, run 1.

The Esplanade

2009-11-17T13:29:00.000-08:00

Cookies

2009-10-27T14:32:00.000-07:00

When I was a young teen, my siblings were old teens and when my parents were out, the party was often on at our house. My oldest sister introduced me to my first beer. Generic. A white can, black letters BEER. I thought it was awful, but gulped it down. I was cool too, right? I can see myself sitting in the blue floral chair (where did that chair go? my other sister had it in that Berkeley den of hers years ago... hmmm...?), orange shag on the floor, doing my best to chug along with the rest.

A few years years later she would introduce another... 'substance', right there in the laundry room. She was home from her travels for the holidays and suggested that this would help us get through Christmas Eve mass. Looking back, not sure that it did, perhaps it made me a bit more anxious for mass to get over with, my heart racing and ready for the traditional Christmas Eve opening of one family gift... what else might my sister have in store for me? My older and well traveled sister, knowledgeable in the ways of young twenty-somethings, while I was still a lowly teen trying to fight my way through high school...

This is what I'm thinking about this blustery afternoon as I smell the homemade chocolate chip cookies (mmm, butter, sugar...) baking away. How many can I eat before the kids get home? Could I cover up the odor of the chocolate goodness somehow? They'll never know if I can mask the odor and hide the cookies... I could keep them all to myself!

See, back in the day, I would burn toast around the house to mask the odors of my sister and her parties. How I thought that up- don't know? I cleaned up vomit, cleaned up alcohol spills, masked the odors traveling through our house by burning different substances that what had been burned before. One time I remember some of the friends streaking down the street and trying to decide what best to do with their leftover clothes...

The connection? Drugs of being responsible, legal drugs... chocolate, sugar, butter... better fat than stoned... And thinking about hording them for myself, masking the odors of freshly baked goodness, so that I can get away with the crime. Odd connections... Fleeting thoughts...

My kids will be thrilled we have homemade cookies- maybe I'll throw them in the car for when I pick them up at school- it'll make their day!

Go see

2009-09-20T13:58:00.000-07:00

Drawn from Water from Drawn From Water on Vimeo.

Wow.

Apalled

2009-09-10T20:24:00.000-07:00

I rarely listen to NPR although I love it. Generally, there is too much noise in the car and I struggle to hear the words- too often, I would find myself trying to rewind the radio- yeah, can't do that. In the evening I'm too tuckered to give NPR the brain power it deserves.

This morning however, I was able to listen to much of 'Fresh Air' as I drove around trying to get Julia to sleep before attending preschool this afternoon. The three in the car were relatively quiet, snacking and looking about. I listened and caught myself, mouth hanging open, jaw agape.

I purposely waited until tonight to write. I was hoping to make sense of it all. I can't.

According to this program, this author, Max Blumenthal, the coffers of the republican party are filling up, the money is being collected, the people are joining the grass roots republican movement. It is a machine that is being built upon rhetoric being pushed by fringe groups and adopted by mainstream republicans. IT IS OUTRAGEOUS!!!

There are accusations that Obama wasn't born here- "the birthers". Obama is being compared to Hitler, Stalin. He has been accused of trying to create concentration camps for right wing dissidents. This rhetoric is being reported and preached on popular right wing christian radio shows. Whatever can be done is being done to discredit Obama. He is accused of hanging out with terrorists, becoming Marxist.

The militia movement is on the rise. Conspiracy theories abound.

It is frightening. Because he is black, because he is a democrat, because he wants change...??? What are these people so afraid of? Why are they so filled with hate? I am having a difficult time not linking any christian, right wing, republican with this line of thinking. This crazy, hate filled, nasty way of thinking.

I am not these people- I don't claim to be anything like them. Not long ago I was clearly against Bush's politics, the war... I was not alone. But at no point, did I believe Bush to be a bad man. In fact, I was sure to be clear about that view.

If these extremists are unhappy with the current US president, so be it. There is free speech. They can say whatever they want. So can I. The scary, absolutely frightening part, is that this crazy way of thinking is being accepted by mainstream media, mainstream people. It isn't staying where it belongs, in the wings, the thoughts of a few, the crazy. Comparing, likening Obama to Hitler is being discussed on radio shows around the country- not just dismissed as lunacy.

I don't get it. I just don't get it...

He asked for it...

2009-09-09T19:04:00.001-07:00

He's been growing it out for a few years 2-3... can't remember. Today he comes home and says "I want it cut- all off- like I used to buzzed" Okay then- no problem. Peer pressure? Maybe... The thirteen year old teen emerges from the locks of hair.

Birthdays

2009-09-06T19:39:00.000-07:00

In two weeks we have four birthdays... Grace (9), Gus (9), Mia (7), and Abe (7).

They're damn cute... the lot of 'em.

Odd

2009-09-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

Some people have an open door policy, I have an open mouth policy. I see someone has added color to their hair, I remark about it. I tell people I have drug babies who were adopted out of foster care. I hear someone has died and I say "that sucks". Someone looks like they have lost a lot of weight doesn't look well, I ask if everything is okay.

I have filters, really I do, they just are different than others.

I'm terrible at "small talk". I don't like to lie. I'm not saying I don't, but I don't like to, and try to avoid lying. I'm not the one to ask if that dress looks good on you, if you want an honest answer.

If I am passing an acquaintance, I will generally not ask "how are you?", if I don't have the time to listen to the answer. If I ask, it's because I am generally interested in an honest response- not the typical "good" response.

I'm an oddity. I know.

You're it!

2009-07-22T14:03:00.000-07:00

Sent all eight out with popsicles... and now get to enjoy the racous sounds of them playing some version of tag... how long will it last? Ruby just jumps up and down at base, screaming and waving her arms, Juj is wandering around, desperately in need of a nap, sucking her thumb and clutching her b.c.- taking it all in, but steering clear of the action. Gus and Jack idolizing their big brother Leo, who has orchestrated the game. Abe excited to be included- big grins, Mia too- though she tries to cheat and win every time. Grace takes a bit of a backseat and isn't bossing everyone around- laughing and running...

Arguments ensue- Mia gets called out on her cheating, she strikes out and is out of the game.

One more round and it's over... Back to swimming, computer, bionicles, dancing, movie and reading...

T-Mobile Mom to Mom Quiz

2009-06-22T19:04:00.000-07:00

T-Mobile Mom to Mom Quiz: "

Take the fun, Mom to Mom quiz and discover your parenting style.

Shine on

2009-06-16T23:40:00.000-07:00

It's been so long I had to sign in again...

I did it, I succumbed to the pressure to join facebook. I admit it, I was curious about the hype. Just wanted to check it out, see if I had any friends. Now, I can't get off. I play games, take stupid quizzes that tell me how I should lead my life, who I should marry, what kind of beer I am, how gay I am. It never stops. I think I just played three hours of bejeweled blitz- the whole time I was watching a movie and then for another hour after it was over. How do people make it over 50,000? They must play all day long or just get pretty damn lucky.

I have reacquainted myself with kids I knew in grammar school, folks from highschool, even a few from college and an old workplace. The names and faces float in and out- I read the sum up of their lives- "Gee, haven't seen you since we were 10, catch me up on the the last 30 or so years". How does one sum up 30+ years? Turns out, it's not that hard. Some people look exactly the same, others I barely recognize.

The odd part is that everyone is as I remember them. We don't really change a whole lot, do we? There are one or two surprises, but for the most part Liz is the same girl I played softball with when I was nine and ten.

In searching for old names I made the fatal "look for the ex's" bit. I found one for each of us (both Käri and myself) and the funny thing? Neither one answered back. Oh, they knew who I was. So, did they think I was some lunatic, after all these years, trying to get back in touch or were they scared, so very scared? It boggles me a bit. These were people we had relationships with 20 odd years ago. Haven't we all grown up? Kiss and make up, or at least be my facebook friend. How hard could it be to click "accept this friendship"?

Neither relationship ended with one of us hating the other. At least I didn't think so. Were there hurt feelings, sure. A surprise break up...kind of, yes. Was I a whack job for contacting them, probablly. But, I am genuinely curious about the lives they lead now. Are they not? Are people so easily dismissed- not forgotten- I am absolutely positive we were not forgotten and in my friendship request I was absolutely clear about who I was.

Hmmm...just food for thought.

I have replaced some of my blogging, both reading and writing with facebook and other amusements. Life has been full for many months, it seems. I had no room.
I miss it, but am not sure what will happen next.
This writing feels good.

Like Cream

2009-05-25T22:28:00.000-07:00

It's amazing to watch and witness, really- the rise to the top.

We took a road trip, the five littles and I, yesterday. Two hours up and another three plus back. My Jackie- my middle boy- such a middle child... he took over. On the trip he was the oldest, beating out the twins by seven months and the girls by four years, at age eight.

He was helpful, the leader, the passer of food to the back, unbuckling to make sure I didn't miss a spot washing the windshield at the gas station- something he is normally never allowed to do. His normal seat in the van, is in the last row, purposefully placed in the back, because of his antics and booming voice, two seats away from his older brother. On the way back home he switched to the front row- after asking first, "so, I could help you better".

Jack, sneaky Jack. My Jack who has trouble remembering that only his belongings fit in his pockets. Jack who is the first to have a negative attitude, to always say no, to fight change, to argue that he is not wet, as he drips on the floor. Jack who claims innocence, as he stands two shelves up in the pantry, with his hand in the cookie jar.

He consoled Juj, when she was cranky and ready to be home. He was sweet to Mia explaining that "mama just told you how long". He offered to cheer up Ruby after she dropped her last piece of snack below her car seat by "talking to her about Hoppy". He interpreted my ramblings for Abe who couldn't quite understand what I was trying to tell him. He watched out for the little girls as they traveled on their quest to "find deer poop". He patiently explained to me what happened to Mia as she returned crying up the path. He came to me outside and asked permission to watch a tv show the others had not seen before...

I know he has it in him- and we certainly see signs of it now and again. Makes me want to give him more opportunity instead of not.

Yes.

2009-05-11T14:02:00.000-07:00

I've had this conversation more times than I can remember- "you are so amazing" I repeatedly tell folks- really, I'm just crazy. Who has eight kids, anymore? Not many really, truly large families out there. I don't consider 3 or even 4 to be large. I'm not so amazing, I swear!

Yes, I yell at my kids. Too much.

Yes, I drink at night. Not enough. I haven't had a cocktail or beer since mid-April- not necessarily by choice, just by circumstance.

Yes, two of the four toilets are rimmed with dried pee. Not too mention the sink, tub, counter or floors in said bathrooms.

Yes, I have washed the hardwood floors since we moved in here over three years ago. The entire floor? Maybe, once or twice, maybe.

Yes, I do mow the lawn. Usually weekly- but not always, and I only edge maybe once a month.

Yes, my kids put their own laundry away. I'm too frustrated and lazy too make sure it is put away correctly.

Yes, my kids have gone to bed without dinner as a consequence/punishment for bad choice/behavior.

Yes, I leave my kids in the car while I run into the store for a quick thing- only if I'm parked in front of the store and I can see the car and occupants. (and yes, I know it's not safe and against the law)

Yes, I do sometimes kick a clear path from our bedroom to the kitchen and upstairs before I go to bed. Instead of picking the crap up off the floor.

Yes, there are hidden, and some not so hidden, stacks of papers in several places around the house.

Yes, sometimes I hide ice cream, chips, chocolate, or other food and then hide myself from my children and eat it.

Yes, our kids bathe. 2-4 times a week. And in the summer? Isn't that what the pool is for?

Yes, the kids bed sheets get washed! When they pee in them, after they throw up in them, or get a bloody nose, or stink... Otherwise, it is often weeks or even months in between washings.

Yes, I miss having alone time with Käri- really truly kidless time because we don't take the time to hire someone we trust to watch them and only rely on friends to do that and really, how many times can you ask?

Yes, the breakfast dishes are still sitting on the counter at 2:23 in the afternoon while I spend time on facebook and reading blogs telling my 6 year old twins to "Shhhhh... I'm trying to read and write here, I'll fix your bikes when I'm done". (And yes, it's actually working today!)

Yes, eight is enough.There's a nice ring to 10, too... Eleven is heaven????

Time to fix some bikes...right after I do the dishes and plan dinner and pee...

Surprise

2009-05-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

Last night, like a shot arriving, a thought popped into my head. A thought that felt like it belonged, an idea, a belief, a decision... it landed, took hold and felt right. Wow, not just thinking, mulling over, but something that arrived un-bidden, to stay. Funny how that happens from time to time.

I created a whole post about it, as I drifted into my codeine induced slumber, and knew that I would hold onto it until morning when I could get it written down. Nothing fancy, just a clear paragraph or so.

This morning, it's gone.

Three Dozen

2009-04-06T12:07:00.001-07:00

All in the blink of an eye...

Edited to add: All this done while we unloaded from the van- the girls decided to make some eggs...

Screwed

2009-04-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Or should I say Philliped?

From school, we race across town to help grandma on with her orthopedic walking boot (the hip surgery went very well, but she suffered some temporary nerve damage [hopefully] to her foot - foot drop- and needs assistance every morning and evening), and directly from there to the pediatricians office to check on Julia's ear infection since she was up again last night and the Dr. was concerned that her ears aren't healing properly... From there to the bank to make a deposit for Grandma, a quick stop into the smoothie joint for some sustenance. The four littles, my two 3 year old girls and the two 6 month olds I take care of, were troopers, but also their own forces to deal with...

At the pediatrician's office I realized that my stroller handle was coming out, so I used my McGyver skills and trusty pocket knife to remedy the situation- a twist here and there and I soon realized that a screw was missing. Smoothies in hand, we arrived home, where an additional three year old, Lily, joined us for the afternoon- so Raquel could run an important errand-. With the kids settled in the house I hunted down my drill and found a stray screw and set about to fix the stroller. The drill was set with a Phillips head bit and I attempted to replace the screw - Exerting a bit of force, since the screw was slightly larger than the hole I was screwing it into, I drilled a way- right. into. my. hand.

Apparently the screw had broken off and the threaded piece was still stuck in the stroller- when the new screw met with resistance , it fell and the bit glanced off the stroller and into the flesh of my hand, just below and between my ring and middle fingers of my left hand- Screwed, I was literally screwed,, and not in a nice way.

With a quick call or two, Raquel returned to my home so I could leave for the clinic- Yikes. A puncture wound heals best open- no stitches or super glue- just some cleaning, a tetanus booster and a big band aid. Goes well with the elbow brace for the ulnar nerve/tendon injury, which the Dr. thinks should get better in a month or two... Elevate it, ice it, Motrin around the clock..take it easy...

Yeah, okay.

Follow Up

2009-03-24T21:21:00.001-07:00

We got a call from social services late in the afternoon. I had been anticipating a call...or not a call, all day. Truly couldn't decide if I was excitedly anticipating, worried, or going to be disappointed. I was certainly a bit on the anxious side.

The worker called and confirmed that we were "open" -meaning we could take a child or children into our care. I asked if this was about the the two little boys we had heard about and she confirmed. However, she had misunderstood some inner office communications and , while she had called earlier in the day, wasn't sure if we would have taken the boys or not.

Apparently she had called earlier in the day looking for placement, but when she did not reach us, did not leave a message because she wasn't positive we were available for placement. In the interim she placed the boys in a different home and at this point was confirming our availability for the future.

These things, they happen for a reason.

Käri and I did discuss it and said that we would remain on the available list. And that is that... for now.

Healthcare??

2009-03-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

My elbow was so painful this morning I took 4 children to the clinic with me... This has been going on for a couple of months now. Initially, it was off and on heat and burning in my elbow, soreness at the first onset, after doing some heavy duty pruning. Now, it's daily and constant. I haven't wanted to mask the feelings with ibuprofen and so haven't been taking it on a regular basis- I'm ready now. It's numb'ish and I can feel, but not see the swelling, radiates down my arm and makes my pinky and ring finger feel tingly and numb.

Tendonitis? Tennis Elbow? Strain??

I walked into the clinic a bit before 9 and was quickly ushered into a room. My double stroller barely fit... For an hour and 20 minutes, I kept the 2 Three year old's entertained and amused and the two 6 month old's content, fed and happy. The nurse took my blood pressure, temp (99?), asked for symptoms, reasons I was there etc. After I continually promised treats for Julia and Ruby for doing a good job, the dr. finally arrived. Without once putting his hands on me, and only asking me where the pain originated from- he diagnosed me with Ulnar neuritis- some sort of nerve injury/damage originating on my funny bone. He told me he thought thats what it was and that they would be sending me for further testing- an EMG- and they would let me know...

I literally stopped him from leaving the room by reaching out and saying " hey, wait a minute, what does that mean, what kind of test, what do they do, what about these other sensations I have, what do I do in the meantime??" With his hand on the door knob and the door half open he tells me "not to worry about it, they'll do the EMG and let me know". Again, this time a bit stronger, "okay that's fine, but what does the test entail, who makes the appt, what can I do in the meanwhile, can you explain your diagnosis?" He turns again towards me, by this time Julia has lost her patience as well, and is whinning at my leg "eat, mama, eat" repeatedly, and says "they'll put a series of needles in your arm to test your nerves and then we'll know more..." and leaves the room. I think the whole episode took less than three minutes.

At the nurses station, I stopped to ask how the referral is made for the EMG- they assurred me they would call with an appt. And with that, I left. I walked out of the lobby at 10:26.

Lovely.

Edited to add: Forgot the best part- if it is Ulnar Neuritis, surgery may be the best recommendation. Sweet.

A new week a new, possible, dilemma

2009-03-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

We got through last week! Grandma ended up with some nerve damage to her foot as a result of the hip replacement- The good news is that it seems the feeling is slowly returning, and the hiccup qualified her for a bed in a more intensive rehabilitation center that is about a half mile from our house!. She's keeping a good attitude and her hip is no longer causing her pain- Yeah!

The funeral service went very well. It still feels odd that grandpa is 'really' gone, not just absent. We assume he is at peace wherever he is and hopefully is playing golf with memories intact.

The cheek biopsy was obviously clear- I was so prepared for the worst and am thankful, so thankful, that it was simply a veiny knot type thing- official medical jargon!

On Sunday I received some news from a friend that a distant relative of his had been removed by CPS. A three month old in trouble. As usual it sent my head spinning, and while I had no illusions of physically caring for that baby in a foster placement, it put me into that thinking mode. That place where I think "We're healthy, we know kids, we're good at this baby kid thing (you know, mostly), maybe we should be continuing to do foster care." Monday morning I was sharing the minimums of the story of the three month old with another friend and we exchanged stories of current foster placements with other families that we know. During that conversation, I found out that there is a sibling group of two (two year old and 3 month old, boys) that are currently in shelter care (often the first stop after a removal from birth family, to determine the goal for the kids and parents). These boys stuck with me for various reasons.

#1 They are black/African American, and I can't decide if it is a racist thought that we have always thought about having a black baby- kind of rounding out our color palette.
#2 It wouldn't disrupt our current birth order.
#3 There are so many kids out there that need good homes- and yes, I believe we are a good home, despite the occasional yelling...
#4 They are a sibling group, not just a single placement, and sometimes that is a hard placement to find.
#5 We have room for boys.
#6 We are healthy.
#7 The foster care stipend could be helpful in this current economic stressful time- although it doesn't work like that because the extra money coming in goes right back out again- and I am aware of that. (like hiring someone to help with cleaning the house...) Would we be doing it for the money- uh, no. would it help out? maybe.
And more...

So, there I was with these boys on my mind... I chatted briefly with Käri about them- who in the same breath said "sure", and "yeah, good luck with that".

I called one of our program contact people and left a message inquiring if these boys were even still in placement and what might be going on with them, early Monday afternoon. Late Monday afternoon we stop in to visit Grandma in her new digs -the rehab center- and who should be sitting there in Grandma's room? The very same individual I had left a message for earlier in the afternoon. I can honestly say I have never run into this person before, outside of our professional relationship. Apparently she works one day a week in the rehab center and this was her day... A little odd this coincidence. We didn't talk then, but she said she would call me on Tuesday.

Tuesday afternoon she calls and we talk all about continuing to do care or not, pros, cons etc. I am clear with her about where I am coming from and that I wasn't calling to request placement, per se, but that the boys had struck a chord with me. She too, found it odd that we should happen to run into each other on Monday... She clarified that she thought they were still in shelter care and that no decisions had been made, howeve she also wasn't sure if they may have already been placed with a foster family or perhaps back with some relatives. I finished the conversation with J. knowing we were interested in hearing more about these boys, should she hear anything and if they needed a continuing placement.

Late this morning I get a message- The boys need placement. J got a call from a social worker requesting names of families that may be available to work with these boys and their eventual/hopeful reunification with their family. She didn't call to inquire about the boys, someone called her- not always a normal occurence- (the calls generally are filtered through different channels).

Are we maxed out? Are we crazy? If we say yes, would we be doing our other kids a disservice? Are we tired?- hell ya'. Could we fit more kids in our lives? What about the two 6 month old babies I take care of during the week? Is it do-able? (Yes- I do know it's do-able, exhausting and hard, but do-able). If we are asked to take these boys- what do we say???

And then there is that other voice that says 'what are other people going to think'??

Tender Headed

2009-03-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

I never let them mess with my hair... IT HURTS!!!! Today I let them...

Busy

2009-03-10T21:15:00.000-07:00

Too busy doing a happy dance to blog!!! That's right, no CANCER!

Whooo Hooo! and might I add a big 'ol PHEW............

Tomorrow- hip replacement... compared to the threat of cancer? Piece of cake! At least, let's hope so, right!

Thank you friends/readers for your support and good wishes. Raquel, Greg... I'm a little speechless- really- THANK YOU! just doesn't seem to cut it- I'll work on it...

LOL

2009-03-02T10:28:00.000-08:00

It was ridiculous and hysterical all at the same time. Twice today, I have re-told the story and both times began hysterically laughing all over again.

Little bit of tension around these parts as of late. Lots of stuff going on, going down. More sad news came down the pike last weekend. Sad and terrible. A friend's nephew was killed- 19 years old- unexpectedly, surprisingly. The investigation is ongoing. Truly tragic.

Last night we were over at Grandma's house preparing her home for her upcoming hip replacement surgery- lowering her bed, attaching a hand held shower nozzle, etc. As Käri and I were laying in bed, we were discussing the upcoming surgery, logistics- her father's funeral service, incoming relatives, waiting for Käri's biopsy results, and the results from a recent blood test that shows her thyroid levels way off the charts... And off to sleep we went.

At 12:37 I wake from a sound sleep- laughing, chortling- cracking my self up. I could not get-a-hold of my self. My dream was a series of events- much like any other dream- that make no sense at all. One minute I'm getting shoved into the corner of the kitchen, trying to hold onto my drink, laughing, trying not to spill it, as it bubbles out of my glass (even now it makes me laugh)- the next, I'm taste testing, offering to pay the server and suggesting she keep the change. Käri's next to me (still in my dream) and suggests I get my taste sample back which only makes us laugh more.
I seriously wake myself up laughing. I have to stand up, force myself to get a drink of water- all the while I've completely woken up Käri- who wonders if I am awake or laughing in my sleep- and warns me to shush, worried I'm waking up the whole house. My sides are hurting, my eyes are tearing and my cheeks hurt ,I am laughing so much. I gather myself together, get back into bed and Käri asks what was so funny in my dream. I'm afraid to tell her for fear of starting up all over again, but I do, and I do. This time Käri is laughing right along with me. Are these events funny ? No. Am I dying with laughter? Absolutely.

I cannot adequately describe with words the laughter, the uncontrollable laughter, the unstopable laughter... I was dying. Still making me laugh today- brought me to tears again, retelling the story, typing this- chortling... I have never before experienced this. Too frickin' funny...

I'm thinking, maybe a little stress relief, eh?

Dumping, a bit

2009-02-19T10:51:00.000-08:00

This morning a school mom friend asked in passing "how are you?". This, following a discussion with our mortgage broker friend (another "school mom")about the state of the business these days- can we re-fi? Will we qualify with the market falling? Debt to loan ratios, the economy, the banks, the 'woe is me' that everyone is feeling these days.

And I dumped- at least a portion of the following-

Käri had surgery in October to remove some suspicious looking tumors on her thyroid- which ended up with a complete thyroid removal- biopsied to show cancer. It was all removed and no further treatment is needed- at least at this point. Money has become increasingly scarce. Käri's mom had to wait for the new year to get her hip replacement surgery okayed- some lovely insurance deal and is now fianlly scheduled for March 11th.. Over the long weekend, in the early morning hours of Valentines day, Käri's dad died, suddenly, but not unexpectedly. He has been in the Alzheimers wing at a local nursing home for almost 3.5 years. A young man by many standards. He would have been 74 in April- he was diagnosed at 57- displaying many symptoms for a few years before that. Too young. It appears that he died in his sleep from perhaps a heart attack or the Alzheimers... And then yesterday Käri had part of the inside of her cheek removed for a suspicious looking tumor. This was noticed on Tuesday during a regular dental cleaning and removed on Wednesday... biopsy results March 10th.

Ruby and Julia are both behaving as devils. And our newest canine addition (two years ago) is pregnant as a result of a good deed. Yes, irresponsible pet owners. We never got around to getting her spayed- Picked up a stray male unneutered puppy (just old enough, apparently) back in mid-February- successfully reunited with his owner 5 hours later, just enough time for a some donor insemination. And no, I had no idea Dixie was in heat- just lucky I guess. Yeesh. Now Dixie is provoking and attacking our old lady dog, drawing blood. So in order to prevent injury, I'm keeping them separated- fun times. Today I introduced a borrowed large kennel for Dixie. We'll see how it goes.

What else?

So many friends are losing jobs. It seems most everyone is on the brink of some financial hardship or another.

A blogging friend, who has already lost a husband, is welcoming a miracle baby into her life with the help of a new love, who has suddenly been diagnosed with Stage IV esophageal cancer.

I know in many ways we're lucky- very lucky. I'm just hoping our luck continues.

After Käri kills me for blabbing all this...

Mom of Octuplets + 6

2009-02-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

This is a facebook thread- reprinted here without my friends permission- I'll get right on that! I left typos and such in- but removed names...

What's your opinion???

J.
Okay ladies,I am very interested in hearing your views on this woman already has 6 kids at home, lives with her mom and has 6 other kids with got assistance??? supposedly she has had $20,000 in plastic surgery ? You are all very srong woman whom i hold in very high regard and would love to hear your opinions (heavens knows I know you might have one, or two )

To be honest, I don't have much of an opinion on this. I don't question her right to do it, though I do question the wisdom of the doctor who implanted so many embryos at once, especially in such a young woman. Until/unless the state ends up paying for them all, I don't feel it's really my business to think one way or the other about it.

I do suspect, however, that she's a bit mentally ill from a couple of quotes I have heard her make, particularly about her not having been in control as a child being the reason she's wanted to do this. Um, honey, do you think you're going to be in control with 14 children under the age of ???

It will be interesting to see if she still has custody of all of them 5 or 10 years down the road.

My concern is clearly the children's health and welfare. I can understand the desire to want a large family (my mom wanted 10-had 7) yet when I try to imagine where 8 newborns are sleeping, what toddlers are up when the mother is endlessly nursing the newborns and whether they get hot meals, baths, basic love and affection. The odds are not in her favor. With that said, did you see her pregnant belly days before giving birth? O M G! The female body is truly amazing.

Today at 9:42am

I don't think it's our right to judge her.

From what I understand she had multiple embryos implanted each time she was pregnant, this time they all happened to stick and multiply.

Remember back when whoever it was condemned the Murphy Brown show for glorifying single mothers?

Whose to say she won't raise our future president? Those are little children. She needs our assistance (I'm not suggesting we praise her...) and support.

Did you here about the black woman who gave birth to quints and nobody offered her assistance- white woman gives birth to quints and gets free diapers for all the children as long as she needs them.

Our foster/adopt kids qualify for WIC and receive medical benefits until they are 18, as well as our primary medical insurance. The looks I get when I use those WIC checks or show the medical card...

Because I chose to have a large family- should I be judged for using those services? And don't give me the whole- but you adopted foster kids bit- sure we may have different circumstances, but that doesn't give anyone the right to judge us any differently then that mother.

What's better for the kids? For the mother who loves them? Our support or our judgment?

I could go on- but I'll spare you.

Very ineresting points and I love hearing them, thank you for sharing. I am in no way judging anyone or any decission anyone has made.I am a little concerned about the doctor involved in the matter and wonder his stand on this matter now. I am terrified at what the future holds for infertility drs. and the people who really need them.

Will we become more like China and try to control how many children peole can have?

The reason I was asking is because I am spending Saturday with my Sister in law who is the head of Child Protection Services in Oakland.........the stories she tells, WOW. She too has been a foster parent for as long as I have known her and I wanted to feel more knowledgable about this whole situation. She happens to be overly educated and has a very strong opinion about certain things. I watched a program last night on Dr. Phil but missed her interview on 60 minutes.So I needed some input.

I agree it is about the children and I do feel sorry for her, she has a very long road ahead of her and will need as much help as she possibly can get. Her own mother has walked away from her, so how sad is that? The experts say she will need approx. 50 volunteers a week round the clock to help take care of those babies.

So why is our society shunning this woman? Why did they brush off the black woman with the multiple birth? Why did Dr. Phil have show and point out that she has had plastic surgery, etc. ?

Today at 12:18pm

CPS in Oakland? Oh My! The stories are the same all over, I'm afraid- but Oakland?! The amount of crisis and sheer #'s. That's a hard job.

I failed to mention that I have not read or seen any of the many articles- with the exception of one or two that appeared in my headlines on my homepage- so I speak without doing any research.

Are there mental health issues with the birth mother? Do I have mental health issues? Lots of folks call me insane for having so many children, for having a relationship with a woman, for not going to church, for having a beer at 4:00 in the afternoon... How severe are her issues?

Did she really plan on giving birth to 8 children at the same time? If this story had broken, with the outcome being that she had "selectively reduced" the #'s of fetus's down to one- wouldn't the conservative right be all over her ass saying how she killed her children? If she had chosen to destroy the embryos instead of having them implanted...?

And the dr.? Holy crap if we are going to start with that let me give the names of lot's of folks who should be sterilized-( uh, hello parents who have already lost the rights to their birth children, child abusers, pedophiles...). How many plastic surgeons are out there performing unnecessary surgeries? Let's pass judgment on the dr. who filled Goldie Hawn's lips first- okay?

I say again, The birth woman needs help and support- in whatever shape that may come-( food, formula, diapers, counseling, volunteers, sleep, bottles, dishwasher, housing, cribs, clothes...) not criticism.

J. I didn't think you were judging-

I suppose for me, I would really like to know HOW she afforded in vitro in the first place? It seems to me like a what came first? type of situation to some extent. i definitly think that the Dr. should be held to question as it seems to me that he has violated the ethical code he promised to uphold. And, i think he has done a huge diservice to the profession in general. She freely admits that she did this for HER, she has been quoted saying that and I heard her interview on whatever talk show she was on... sorry it escapes me at this time, but I heard her say it, so it is not just hearsay. I think her words were something in line with she wanted lots of kids because she grew up in a dysfunctional family. I would LOVE to know what her psychological profile would reveal. Seems a bit of twisted logic in my opinion.
Tricia, I have MOUNTAINS of respect for you and Kari and the family you have. Seriously, having been in the child care industry for a million years and seeing first hand the best and worst of families, thinking about the D. clan can honestly bring a tear of sheer joy to my eye. And i think you have GREAT points. But in my opinion the difference between the D. women and this woman is self LESS versus self ISH.
I do not feel sorry for her. I feel extremely sorry for those children.... each and every one of them She already has 2 girls and 4 boys ages 2 to 7... and 3 of them are already getting assistance for their various disabilties if I am not mistaken. Don't you all think that THOSE 6 children need EVERYTHINg she has to give THEM. I am SURE this next comment will not be well received by some or all of you, BUT here i go.... it reminds me in some ways of people who hoard animals. AND NO!! I am in no way comparing a child to an animal, so i know it is a huge leap. But what I mean is that mentality that one is good, two better, three better, etc etc etc.
She does not in any way deserve to have death threats leveled against her... that is horrible. But I do think it was an incredibly irresponsible decision. Did anyone SEE the video of the bedroom her 6 kids live in now?
Is that fair? I was shocked and saddened to see it.
And what about her parents? Seriously can any of you imagine putting YOUR parents in that position? That screams selfish too. Who does that?
I applaud her for wanting to get her masters degree. Iwant to get mine too and I often sit down with my finances in front of me trying to figure out how I could pull it off. Hell, I am on a first name basis with more than one of the enrollment counselors at the Univ. of Phoenix and the SF State extension program. But I have not done it because I cannot afford it right now. I want to say that she needs forget about school and work 10 jobs if necessary to support her kids, but then who raises them if she were to do that? Not her. And if she is in school getting her masters WHO raises them? NOT HER!! Where is her parenting in all of this?
C'mon.... really? And she has a PR firm representing her now?
I think it is unecessarily tragic. Maybe I am clueless because I do not have children but I just don't think so. Almost all my friends have children and I listen to them talk all the time about the joys and struggles of being a parent. I see how much they sacrifice and give of themselves to give their children the very best possible. I have friends who only shop with coupons and i have friends who would never dress their kids in clothes in anything less than designer clothes. And friends everywhere in between. I have never judged any of them, only admired them for their dedication to their kids. My pont is is that in EACH case, these parents do THE VERY best they can within the finances they have available to them.
Being a parent is a PRIVELAGE, not a right.
I am sorry if I am unpopular here, but I think she is an incredibly selfish woman. And, I think that some, if not all of those kids will eventually be in foster care. She maybe flew under the radar with the first 6.... til now.
Shame on her.

C.

P.S. Let me know if any of you are defriending me after this, OK??
xo

Today at 12:50pm

I'm totally defriending you now because your opinion is wrong.

Today at 12:59pm

Did you like that??? How I totally judged you for your opinion????

It's all good- you know I'm kidding right??? Just proving a point.

My bottom line- we all have our opinions- none of us are wrong. I have not done any research -most of the things you mention C.- I had no idea about.

Her kids are what is important. If we can't support her- we need to support the kids, and at this point that means we need to support her- ya know?

HA!! I just checked and we are still friends!! Plus I see that Kari is online right now and my guess is if YOU dump me then she dumps me too!!
Plus, I know you are WAY to bright to view opinions as right or wrong!!

xo

I'm still friends with all y'all...no matter what! Bring on the 14 kids!!!

How many boxes of Kraft Dinner do you think you need to feed a family of 15??

J's point about the 50 volunteers, around the clock, each week is startling. 50 people shuttling through your life each week, caring for your babies, offering you advice, the constant commotion. How long will that last? I hope the kindness and generousity of people will succeed in allowing the village to raise these children. But as C. has pointed out, the switch that separates "what I should do" and "what I want" wasn't working for this mom. And yes we will pay. I will pay for the present and futures for these children to be healthy and bright, and I will do it gladly. And Tricia, you and Kari are the village, with your unique perspective, kindness and generousity to envelope your children.

One question still remains. Has anyone seen the picture of her belly days before she gave birth? Honestly. It's amazing.

I did!! Truely amazing is right.
So let me ask you S. ...when you say that you will pay and pay gladly.... Can you elaborate on that? No sarcasm or judgement, just a real curiousity. Why do you feel that that is your responsibility?
Just to play devil's advocate.... do you feel it is MY responsibility to pay for your girls? Would you want me to? Would you have had them if you could not have afforded them? Would you want YOUR girls to have to "compete" for your attention with 12 other children... 3 with special needs and who knows how many more will have special needs?
As Mom's how many nights have you all wished that you could have ONE night off from bed time stories, one night with no one refusing to take a bath or brush teeth? ONE night with no little pitter patter of feet down the hallway after lights out? OR..... one morning to not have to make school lunches (or dig thru your wallet for exact change for hot lunch)
MULTIPLY THAT BY 14!!!!
Please.... trust me, I could go into a very painful tale of being pregnant once unexpectadly years ago and us deciding to keep the pregnancy and then so much going horribly wrong and it was devastaing for myself and my then boyfriend. Like I said... I think it is a privelage, not a right, so maybe I am skewed because I once thought I would have that miracle in my life and then did not, but I think it is more than that.

I think this is a very interesting thread and i appreciate the opportunity to discus this with you all maturely.

xo

Here's the belly pic: http://www.tmz.com/2009/02/12/octomom-it-was-a-very-goodyear/ Yowsa.

On to C.'s Big Question (even though I'm not the one being asked!): I DO feel it's my obligation to help pay for any child who is in distress, be it through abuse, neglect, tragedy etc. They are defenseless, and if society as a whole does not form a safety net then we are no better than animals. This is not an obligation I begrudge at all.

However -- I have to grit my teeth a lot harder to pay out money to people who need it only because of the proactive choices they make. This makes for an interesting dichotomy in this case -- if I have to end up paying for the kids, then so be it, they are kids and they require our help to live safe, healthy and happy lives. If I have to pay for their Mom to never work again, then I get pissed. Yet it's probably best for the kids that their Mom concentrates on them and not on working.

Where I do completely lose my rag on the whole social payments issue is when my taxes pay welfare to Moms who choose to go back to school rather than back to work. No. That's a privilege and not a right. If you can be away from your kids, you should be working, not going to school!

OK, off my soapbox now. I realize my views are completely inconsistent!

I look like that now and I'm not even pregnant

So C., first and foremost, I completely agree about this thread being interesting and I am engaged by each perspective. I am going to step back to a comment you made previously about animal hording (which I think was a valid comment)...let's say a company supported by tax payer dollars came to the rescue of 18 puppies/dogs (or taking it macro, 6 million) how would you feel about your tax dollars going to basic care (food, home, medical) of those animals? Knowing these animals have no voice, no choice in the environment their lives began. These children are innocent. And the level of frustration I hear from many of my friends (including you) I believe is because of how much you care... So my point is...do the babies suffer? do we dwell on what is done? do we focus on things out of our control? Or do we gladly help the helpless.
So yes, I will gladly pay for these children. I personally don't think that the doctor or mother made good decisions. I am completely against the abuse of our social services system. I hate the complusiveness of some to achieve their 15 minutes, certainly at the expense of others. We don't control the universe. Given the choice of taking some financial responsibility for a needy child or just hoping for the best, hoping they won't become a broken child/adult in our society...it's easy for me to embrace the baby. I really don't think you and I are too far apart on this.

So on a personal level, I am sorry.

Today at 4:17pm

Okay- K.- isn't it like the middle of the night? What the hell??? : )

2nd- My 8 eat 3 boxes of mac n- cheese- but really it's 6 kids because two won't eat it. And i don't like it- Käri nibbles it. Plus we have fruit or veggies and protein of some sort with it.

C.-

I love my kids like crazy- would lay down my life for any of them and yes, sometimes I want to tape their mouths closed and stick 'em in their velcro suits and velcro them to the wall- behind the soundproof doors... Sometimes I REALLY need the cocktail at the end of the day. Who would I choose to give up to make my life easier? Give one up for adoption? Which one? They all came for a reason- what that reason is...?? Not a clue.

I've got two with ADHD, one that doesn't hear so well, one that's super needy (like gonna be pregnant at 13- Gods help me), one that has emotional/attachment issues (been through counseling and medicated), and one with a rare metabolic disorder that could kill her or at least put her in the severely brain damaged and wheelchair for life category.

I never have enough time for them. And yet, when they call to ask if we will take another- I waver. What is the answer to that dilemma? Do I have enough time to fit another one in? And yet, what's the difference - one more? How do I turn an unknown life away?

I mourn each of my miscarriages, a life lost.

I cannot imagine tossing my frozen embryos. (No, I don't have any) I can't imagine (I almost wrote having 14- but actually, I could) having 8 infants at the same time.

So many people are fans of John and Kate plus 8. Do you think they could have afforded those sextuplets without the t.v show? What do they do for a living? How many donations did they receive? Who paid for their big fancy car?

We got pregnant the first time while we renting a home- both working full time with benefits... could we afford Leo? Did we have a savings? Nope. We wanted a baby- we wanted a family. We paid for the "donor" and medical crap with credit cards- No cheap date for us! We were selfish.

I'll gladly pay my taxes for families and children in need, education and social services. It's my life, though- I'm a bit biased. And as far as college- Yeah, I'll pay for that too. How do you survive on minimum wage jobs?

I'll also pay for mandatory sterilization for parents who have had their parental rights terminated in a court of law- yeah, that's right you heard me. I would. If you fuck up that bad- you don't get a second chance to biologically parent another- However if you've straightened up feel free to become a foster parent where you can parent a child in need... but, I digress from the issue at hand.

I agree with K.'s first paragraph. And I agree, parenting is a privilege. Who says we get to decide if this mother of 14 should be denied that privilege? And why?

I believe I said parenting is a privilage more than once during this thread...yes?
Tricia.... please re read what I said about you and Kari. I love and respect you and Kari SOOOOOOOOOO much
back to me as that is all that I know....
YES!! Lots of us are fans of John and Kate plus 8. And yes they make money from it. SO WHAT??? I applaud them. The difference once again is that they were good on their own and then the media found them.... there was never a website begging for money.... cash, check or credit.
I will happily pay for sterilization for parents who have had their rights terminated.

Color

2009-02-05T12:14:00.000-08:00

I'd like to think and believe that I see no color. Dismiss color, dress, hair as extra's- not part of the equation- not part of my beliefs.

How can it not be?

In discussing Obama's election, Lincoln's birthday around the dinner table, Abe again, mentions how he would have been a slave because the color of his skin. While his heritage is part Mexican and not African, is he wrong? He is dark- darker than most Caucasians. Is there information out there about Mexicans being slaves at the same time as Africans. Would my 3 daughters and 1 son be considered sub-human, to be bought and sold, slaves? Were Asians included in the mix? I have no clue.

That Abe even has the thought in his head that he might have been a slave had he been born at another time strikes me. Slavery legally ended in 1865... That he, as a 6 year old, cannot have a true concept of time and that maybe 150 years ago might seem like a few days before he was born to him. How does he process that information? What does that feel like growing up knowing, believing that to be part of your history?

As a young white girl, learning about slavery, it was something I learned and dismissed with other pieces of historical information. It had no direct bearing for me- my ancestors weren't even in America during the time of slavery... The fact that the celebration around Obama's election makes me sad (that it is even an issue...) is that condescending towards Black/ African American people? That hearing the interview on NPR, where several people uttered their fears of Obama being killed because he is black, before he had a chance to take The Oath surprised me...

How do I confront those thoughts? How do I know if my words offend? My biased white girl outlook...

Superbowl Party

2009-01-31T23:17:00.000-08:00

The kids and I decided to have a bit of a superbowl party- just the family, a few bags of chips- We're actually going to put food on the coffee table! We don't watch football, usually- just a fun thing to do.

To get out of cooking dinner, I figured we'd snack on some pigs in a blanket too- plus it works for football- Pigs... footballs are made of pigskin- or so the story goes. So I tell the kids.

Lemonade, chips and dip, pigs in a blanket- because footballs are made of pigskin- The kids are excited, a party- whoo hooo!

Gus is telling Käri all about it this morning and what we're going to eat.

Käri asks "pigs in a blanket, huh- why's that"

Gus "cuz you know...all football players are pigs- mama said".

Nice...

Story People

2009-01-29T11:47:00.000-08:00

"I don't want another opportunity to learn & grow, she said. I just want to eat crackers & watch Oprah & pet my cat."

Some days are just like that- no room for anything more.

I don't actually watch Oprah- and my cat is mostly outdoors, and prefers solace to people- so while it doesn't actually apply to my real life, it is totally applicable.

Go visit Story People- great art, great artist! I like to think we discovered him before he got famous- but I'm not really sure about that. We have one of his sculptures that was bought many years ago...

I wasn't paid or anything to post this (puhlease!)- I just love his stuff.

Redemption Song

2009-01-24T19:18:00.000-08:00

I found this on facebook... I thought mine turned out pretty funny!

What does your music library say about you?
--------------------------
1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends
--------------------------

What do your friends think of you?
Two People Fell in Love {really?}
Brad Paisley

If someone says, “Is this okay?” You say?
Cowboy Take Me Away{sometimes}
Dixie Chicks

How would you describe yourself?
Evergreen {I suppose this is better than decidous}
Barbara Striesand

What do you like in a guy/girl?
Lubbock or Leave It
Dixie Chicks

How do you feel today?
Baby Hold On
Dixie Chicks

What is your life’s purpose?
Ghost {Okay this is just freaky.}
Indigo Girls

What is your motto?
Devil Went Down To Georgia {I'm always the devil.., it's true!}
Tritt and Cash

What do you think about very often?
If You Want To
Melissa Etheridge

What do you think of your best friend?
Mahna Mahna
The Muppets

What do you think of the person you like?
Father Figure {laughing..}
George Michael

What is your life story?
Moon River
Frank Sinatra

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Some Enchanted Evening {Perhaps refer to the singer instead of the song title.}
Rosemary Clooney

What do you think of when you see the person you like/love?
These Boots Are Made For Walking {Forward, backward...?}
Indigo Girls

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Happy Home {Not sure of the lyrics, but seems appropriate to me.}
Antigone Rising

What will they play at your funeral?
Low { Okay... why not?}
Flo Rida

What is your hobby/interest?
Like A Virgin {Laughing...}
Madonna

What is your biggest fear?
The Long Way Home
Norah Jones

What is your biggest secret?
I Need A Lover {Eh, who doesn't? No strings attached? Just sex whenever you want it...?}
John Cougar Mellancamp

What do you think of your friends?
Turn Me On {Not really, sheesh!}
Norah Jones

What will you post this as?
Redemption Song {I'd have to say I prefer Bob Marley's version}
Indigo Girls

2 Randoms

2009-01-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

You know what's terrifying?

The idea that I could be killed in a car accident, or some other sudden accident, and have no idea what happens next.

Why do young children undress every doll or stuffed animal they have?

this evening

2009-01-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

nostalgic, melancholy

in love, lucky

in debt, with a roof over my head

food on the table, noise

laughter, discipline

yelling, hugs

kids

Casual Conversation

2009-01-11T08:59:00.000-08:00

Mia- Well, mama, what if aliens landed here now and they were bad guys and they wanted us to be aliens too, what would you do?

Me- I'd say Hello.

Mia- Mama...?? But if they were bad guys...???? Could they really come? Could they breathe our air?

Me- How do you know I'm not an alien? Maybe the aliens came down and took your mama away and I'm just an alien who looks like your mama? maybe you are an alien...???

Mia- ...they take my real mom...?

Me- what, what do you mean your real mom?

Mia- you know, ________.

Me- Uh, no she's not your real mom, Mia, she's not your real mom, she's your birth mom- that doesn't make her your real mom. What am I your fake mom?

Mia- But she's my real mom.

Me- She gave you life, she gave birth to you. That doesn't make her your real mom. Mommy and I were the ones that took care of you, took you to the doctor, feed you, clothe you, love you- we're the moms you get mad at, the moms who are proud of you, who give you consequences and try to help you make good choices- we are your mom's.

Mia- But she ate those drugs and then she couldn't take care of me and do all those things 'cuz the drugs made her brain all mixed up and she didn't make good choices.

Me- Yes...and she made the choice to take the drugs, no one made her take them.

Mia- Ohhhhhh...

While I'm pruning the rose bushes... very casual and frivolous.

Too Nice??

2009-01-10T13:22:00.000-08:00

Maybe I'm too fucking nice!

How's that for the opening statement after a long hiatus? I was planning a statement about how nice and relaxing the winter break was (notice how I don't say Christmas break- very p.c. of me- I get credit for that- although, maybe it's just another example of being too fucking nice...)

So I'm at the store with two 2 year olds, the baby in a sling, my hands full with a bag and a bottle of water, we go to leave and I am closely followed by a slender woman dressed in a slinky dress, heels, full make up, picking up an order - I assume for workmates. I reach the door and usher the two year olds through, she's called back to the register for her receipt, I pause at the door holding it open for her, remaining there even though she has to make a u-turn to get back to me- she has her hands full and it's also the polite thing to do, right, courteous? I keep an eye on the girls, just outside the door- She approaches the door, doesn't even glance at me as I stand there holding the door a smile on my face, while I wait for the eye contact, the nod and the "thanks" as she cruises through the door- not a look at me! She lifts her sunglasses to her face, peering out to the parking lot as she searches for her car, and that's it.

Not a glance in my direction. Truly, I am speechless.

I often will say "you're welcome" to folks as they pass through- not this time. I'm just speechless. Are my expectations for a nod, an acknowledgment, a thanks, too much? She's a well dressed working woman, slender, pretty... is it that I'm a slouchy stay at home mom, short hair, jeans, babies... Or is she just a bitch? Perhaps she was having a bad day- barely making it through- Maybe she had just received news that her favorite great uncle had just died... Whatever???

Then, I leave the store and make my way to school driving down the the thoroughfair part highway, part street. I see a woman on the corner- it's cold out, she attempts to step off the sidewalk, then retreats- she's waiting to cross... As I approach, I stop to allow her to cross the street. Cars to my left continue to come barreling down the road, not stopping. I shake my head eye the traffic, she shakes her head back and forth as well. I assume she's as frustrated as I am at the lack of consideration, lack of attention to the law, that states pedestrians have the right of way. The traffic finally slows I gesture to her that it's clear. She looks at me, I smile and wave again- She screams "WHATTHE FUCK ARE YOU DOING LADY, I DON'T NEED YOUR GODAMN HELP TO CROSS THE STREET!"

Next time I'll just run her down....

I just looked at my last post- guess I need to focus a bit of energy on the positive, eh?

Three Rude Things Today (and only one completely excusable)

2008-12-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

#1. This afternoon on my drive home from kindergarten pick up I made my usual left hand turn from the center TURN lane onto a one way street. There is also a left turn lane for turning left onto this same one way street. It makes sense for me to use the center turn lane since I am traveling well, from the direction I am traveling- I can't draw a map and it would take to long to explain. Just trust me on this. I've actually discussed this same intersection before...

Can you really call it a discussion if it's just me writing for other people, strangers and some I know to read at their pleasure and comment or not?? Probably not.

In any case, I made my turn and directly to my left a small pick up crowded with three large people in it also turned left- AND immediately swerved into my lane. I beeped and swerved out of the drivers way, stopping, and allowing him to miss the collision and scoot in front of me, cross over another lane of traffic and pull into a parking place. The driver was furiously tugging at his steering wheel in order to avoid the collision and maneuver away- the placement of all three people smashed into a small truck did not allow him to make full circles with his hands- seeing that his elbows would strike the person sitting in the middle- not a safe situation. As the driver corrected his truck, and sidled over to the parking spot, he lifted his left hand in , what I thought was to be an apology wave- the kind you make when you inadvertently cut some one off, - NO- he instead flipped me the bird and proceeded to park. As there was no traffic behind me, I stopped in the middle lane of the street, backed up a touch so I could see the driver and rolled down my passenger window. I gestured back to him- a "what the hell?" kind of hand in the air deal with an incredulous look on my face. He gestured his finger higher, as if I didn't quite see it clearly enough. He opened his door and looked at me- I yelled- "There are two turn lanes!" "Nope", he shook his head at me, his passengers craning their necks to see beyond his body to see me and hear what I had to say for myself. "Yes, there are, go back and look for yourself- you almost caused an accident!" For some reason, he decided I must have had a point- he lowered his head and said "I will"- in a somewhat apologetic manner- and ambled off to the sidewalk.

It irked me that this guy had the audacity to flip me off after he almost caused an accident. That was the uncivil part. Even if you think you aren't at fault, what gives with flipping someone off? Why attack, when a raised hand as an offer of an apology,or admittance of wrongdoing would suffice?

#2. It was like the scene out of "Fried Green Tomatoes", when the middle aged woman is circling the supermarket parking lot waiting for a space to open up, she spots one about to open up, and some young girls zoom into it while she's waiting.

I'm driving downtown searching for a parking spot this evening (with the rest of the town- two large events within a close proximity at the same time in a small downtown). I spy a place that is being vacated, stop and wait for the person to leave and a car carrying two college girls makes an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road and jumps into the place I was waiting for. Now, I will have to admit, I neglected to have my turn signal on, but it was clear that I was waiting for the spot. I fought the urge to ram into their car (might have had something to do with a car full of kids and my MIL in the front seat), but wait until the driver emerges. She pauses, not jumping out of her car right away, while my MIL looks at me like I might pull a gun out from under my seat- not quite sure what I might be doing. The girl gets out of her car and I, again, yell through my now open passenger side window. I said something really clever like "excuse me", or "hey"- I can't remember now- and she responds " I'm late to my final". In my eloquence and wit I say "Well, you should have left your house earlier" and drove off- I sound like such a mother...

#3. While attending a school Holiday sing this evening, my two toddlers got a bit restless and started spreading out a bit more, taking up some space in the very generous aisle. They were not alone, as there were plenty of other small children and a few grown ups littered in the isle. A young boy who attends our school was on his way back to his seat. There was some movement from some of the folks hanging in the aisle, but Julia, being tired, was standing stock still, her b.c. (think lovey cloth) hanging from her hand, touching the ground, watching the events around her. The boy, a large built seventh grader stopped, and when unable to negotiate his way around the obstacles in his path, stooped over a bit and with both hands charged at Julia, lifting her a bit at impact, and sailed her through the air where she landed on her back, in silent scream mode.

Obstacle removed, the boy continued on his path back to his seat. Several adults around me gasped as I got to Julia's rolling body saying- "It's okay, It's okay". Julia and I went to the lobby for a bit, while she calmed down and recovered from her wallop. She was fine in a few minutes and we returned to our seats.

This event, the intentional hurting of my daughter is the excusable one- The young man who plowed into her and took her down, was trying to find his way- you could feel him try to negotiate the path and I could truly understand the gesture. Really, he picked the easiest target to remove to completely clear his path, rational, really. Most other children and adults could have found their way around, as the path really was not the difficult to navigate- the isle being very wide with only a few people scattered in his way.

But this young man, generally travels to school with a full time aide and an aide dog. He's a generally happy guy in my oldest sons class, who happens to be Autistic.

I mentioned the event to his father- just to relay the information. The evening was charged with stimulation, held off school grounds, the boys aide was not with him... so many good reasons.

What, do you suppose, were the other peoples reasons???

Cutest

2008-12-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

Newest (much anticipated) Arrival

2008-12-12T21:31:00.000-08:00

The phone calls, the discussions, back and forth, should we wait longer or have we waited long enough...

After 6 weeks with no washing machine and many discussions with technicians, supervisors, various departments,being hung up on several times (due to disconnections), a few irate words and many hours on the phone, I found the right person.

The new machine arrived this afternoon PAID IN FULL! We had to spring for the platform. The kids were fascinated by the window.

Never so happy to do laundry...two loads completed. Yahoooooo!

Another Video

2008-12-03T19:46:00.000-08:00

For your viewing pleasure...

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

A Response

2008-12-02T21:04:00.000-08:00

First there was this-

Now this-

Pretty Fun!

Turkey Day

2008-11-27T23:13:00.001-08:00

Turkey day...done.

Over and out.

Help

2008-11-26T21:47:00.000-08:00

I have never been very good at accepting help. I am very independent and stubborn to boot. I blame it on my parents- I really do think they raised us all to be individuals, or maybe it's just the alcoholic father thing... or I really am just a whack job- trying to be all "why am I so independent" like it's a problem or defect or something... Oy. I digress.

Whatever the reason, I like to do things myself- it's my first choice and preference. Having a large family, with little kids, and a large house with lots of toilets to clean, and pets, and responsibilities has really made a dent in that practice.

I have become comfortable with accepting and asking for help- Well, comfortable may not be the right word- perhaps tolerable will do. Tolerable of accepting help. Since we are leaving town tomorrow for the Turkey day celebration at my folks house, I had to call my neighbor and friend to throw some food at our dogs Friday morning. We'll be back by Friday evening so it's only one day- not a huge deal. But I hate to ask, I do.

And when I have to ask someone to pick up my son from school, or I can't hop in the car and pick up my daughter's friend to come over for a play date, I hate to ask the other person to do it for me.

Borrowing things, asking for childcare, calling up a friend to see if they can lend a hand fixing my sprinkler system- it should be easier. But every time, I grit my teeth.

I've accepted the necessity in my life to ask for favors, ask for help- but I don't like it.

On the other hand, anytime I can do anything for anybody, I'm there. And I think that is apparent- so that's good. At least it makes me feel better.

A ramble

2008-11-25T20:21:00.000-08:00

We normally don't watch t.v. during the week. As a result, our kids are not exposed to PBS, since our local channel doesn't show kids programming on the weekends. Well, we are all off for the week for Thanksgiving break- a lovely idea. This is one of my favorite school breaks. Vacation means access to t.v. during the week. The kids are thrilled.

Ruby has fallen for 'MY, Juh Juh, MY, Juh Juh'. She has just started to get interested in t.v. and thinks Curious George is the best thing ever. We've taped a few shows for the older kids since they enjoy this show as well. However, I can only take so much of the the same show over and over again- so this week we are exploring PBS.

The point of this ramble is the kids have been hooked into PBS- but Ruby keeps institing on George... We watched a bit of Super Why. Grace is watching and then says "Something must be wrong with his diction." Uh, okay... Since when does she recognize diction isssues??? She's 8!

3 Down

2008-11-24T21:31:00.000-08:00

I finished Eclipse.

Bella does get a bit brighter- but not much. The story is still compelling in a weird way. And it is still a simple soap opera. Makes me think about General Hospital in the early 80's, when the good guys had to save the world from freezing over, or some such nonsense.

I am eagerly anticipating finishing the series- but not in the 'can't wait, but don't want it to be over' kind of way. I'll be okay with it being over.

We shall see how it all ends up...

Rhythm

2008-11-23T16:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, we traveled down the road a piece to gather at an old friend's house.

We see Laura and her girls from time to time, since she and her husband moved back to California. We talk on the phone. Most recently we have become facebook friends. We have know each other since we were seventeen years old. A lifetime ago. Laura and I lived on the same floor in the dorms at college. Who would have predicted that our friendship would have endured this many years. Not me. Not at 17, anyway. I have pictures in my head of those dorm days. Laughing, drinking, falling down, boyfriends (hers, not mine), vomiting, parties, talking, laughing...riding bikes, listening to her say hello to all the animals as she rode by, cooking meals- later when we each lived off campus- telling her I was in love with another woman, and then visiting each other after college. I can see a few different places she lived, feel the environment and the youth- the settling in time. She went to Africa with the Peace Corps- met her love, came home, married (always a bridesmaid...), started a family. Settling in all over again- different role, different time, mother, wife, friend.

With Michèle, I talk to her all the time, she lives a few states away. She was one of many Michelle's in highschool- she was the only one with and accent and single l- but in highschool all of the Michelle's went by their last name. I've never really called her anything else. We've know each other since we were 13! She was in the upper crust of highschool- one of the top clique. My first memory of her is her making fun of me sitting in front of my locker, reading a book- she even knocked it out of my hands. Bitch. Somehow at Halloween that freshman year we ended up hanging out in a large group with one another. As seniors, we were both in student council. Acquaintances, sure- friends...not good friends, certainly. Then we ended up at college together. She came a semester after me and lived a few floors up. I ran into her at parties- helped her back to the dorm one night with blood running down her knee. She ended up living with me and many others- during my Junior year of college. She was the first I told about falling in love with another woman, which she accepted with no judgement, she helped me get to a friends funeral. She forgave me for setting up her turntable when she didn't want anyone to touch it. She introduced me to Al Jarreau.

She and Laura lived together after we did. I guess I had a hand in that- introducing them to one another- although I don't remember that. Michèle left college and went on to pursue her Master's degree gaining confidence in herself along the way. She to met her love, moved on, started a family.

Amazing, now, to get together with these women and our families. To think back- to wonder ahead. To know that they will always be there for me, and I for them.

For it to be so easy to fall back into rhythm with each other, differently, but the same, briefly together.

I must add a picture- but have to find it first...

Imagine

2008-11-22T22:57:00.000-08:00

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one

Thanks to John Lennon.

Eclipse

2008-11-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

Here's another thing that is continuing to annoy me about the Twilight series- The main character, Bella, she's kinda stupid. Her character leaves out important pieces of information when talking to other characters... Sort of like when you are watching the creepy movie and you keep yelling at the woman who just walked in to the house and her lights won't work and she just keeps flicking on and off the switches as she walks further and further into the house to" turn around and get out of the house". I just want to tell Bella- "you forgot that... you need to tell him that..."

And then it is also mildly irritating the way she fawns over Edward's looks- he's so damn perfect. But I chalk it up to her characters age. Also, so far in book three- Edward won't 'let' Bella do some things . And, and, let's not forget that he is cold- I mean like body temp is below normal- she frequently describes him as icy. Sounds fun too cuddle with, huh?

So, so far we have a picture of a smart, but acting stupid, 17/18 year old girl who thinks her boyfriend is too good/handsome/perfect for her and is seemingly okay with the fact that he restrains her activities.

Hmmph.

I'm still enjoying the read.

Soo tired...

2008-11-19T20:17:00.000-08:00

Going to bed, legs are quaking, time to turn in- maybe read a bit...

The cookies were yummy... too bad it's not like Willy Wonka and Mike TV- then we could just pass 'em through the internet.

Hmph.

Bedtime Snack!

2008-11-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

I had to borrow sugar from our kind friends and neighbors (since I sent all of mine in for the upcoming Kindergarten Turkey day feast).

And within 45 minutes I had my craving, warm in my hand...

Waiting for them to cool...

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Twilight Series

2008-11-17T21:04:00.000-08:00

I am almost to the end of book two. I have found the story to be captivating and am anxious to read all four books. BUT ( see, big but) I am not enthralled with them. All the comments I have heard are about what a fabulous love story this is, full of sexual tension and, well, love. And I have had no problem putting them down- many find it difficult.

As I read these books, I am reminded of what it is like to fall in love, certainly. The initial rush and and deep longing and desire. I can see that, however the characters are 17! Even Edward, although immortal, was changed into a vampire at that age- so emotionally, I would put him at the same age, even though he has lived many more years past 17. The raw and new love of a teenager-is easily won over by a more mature love. I find it very easy to dismiss the passion these two feel for one another as a first love. As a result, it reads like a teen romance, nothing more.

The books don't have any of the sophistication that I was expecting or even multiple layers to investigate. They are very straightforward. I find myself comparing them to the Harry Potter series. The Harry Potter books were much more complex.

So far, I am most interested to see how it all ends up, and feel compelled to read all four. The second book, New Moon, has been more interesting- more characters to add some more interest (without giving anything away- I'd hate to spoil it for someone else).

We shall see what book three brings. I haven't gotten a hold of book four yet, and may not, since lemonade was accidentally spilled on book two- oops. I have offered to replace it- it's not ruined, just a tiny bit wrinkled and damp...

Signs

2008-11-16T14:10:00.000-08:00

Okay, what's with all the people standing at every street corner holding signs?

It seems every major intersection in town has people pacing back and forth holding or wearing signs.

Hot Pizza-$ 5.00!

Furniture Store Going Out of Business!

Department Store Liquidating- 40%-60% Off!

Homes For Sale! on a huge arrow pointing or twirling in circles, depending on whose holding it at the moment.

Some person dressed like a fruit (real actual piece of fruit) waving and jumping up and down- Come On In To My Deli!!!

Is this the new fad to get our attention? Real live human beings advertising?

What I find most disturbing about these folks, is that most of the ones I have seen look tattered and tired. One guy is always outfitted with a gas mask, seriously, hat, long pants (even in the sweltering 100˚ heat we get in the summer), and a long sleeve sweatshirt. I pass him the most frequently and I always wish I had a job to offer ,that would get him away from the smog that I assume he is protecting himself from...

And then I think- hey we could use some extra money- I bet I could get one of those jobs!

Tweaked

2008-11-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Somehow- I tweaked my back and last night it came to a roar. Right about 5:30 my flank area started spasming like crazy. It got to the point where I was unable to take a deep breath without it hurting, which caused me to take a sharp intake of breath.. crazy. It had been just a bothersome ache and suddenly I couldn't breathe and it was coming in waves- I started panicking and make Käri google my symptoms- I love Dr. Google- Kidney stones??? no nausea, no blood in the urine, no groin pain... I swallowed 4 Motrin in a hurry and made myself a stiff drink- natural muscle relaxant, right?

After a half hour I was much better- whoo-wee though, that was a killer. Today I've just stuck with 4 every 4 hours and it's kept the pain and spasms at bay.

I've started doing childcare for an 8 week old, and he's a sling boy... I'm hoping it's not the sling...

Käri went to a baby shower this morning and I didn't want to chance my back getting all crazy so we did not go to the 8 rally in town. I was bummed about that...

I did hear about another event. It's called Day without a Gay. Everyone can join in the fun of calling in Gay to work, school, whatever, and then, if they are so inclined, to donate their time to service. You can see the link here.

Pros

2008-11-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

Have I ever mentioned one of the great pros of being in a relationship with another woman? Although I suppose the same would hold true for being a relationship with another man...

When dealing with bills, various accounts, doctors etc, we can pretend to be one another.

Today, I went through the ever growing, never ceasing pile of papers on the counter. I encountered several bills that needed to dealt with, dare I say, immediately. It's under my job description as homemaker to deal with these things and I had been neglecting my duties-

I called up the folks, gave my assumed name, SSN, password, birthdate, mother's maiden name- the works. And was promptly allowed in to deal with it. I love that.

Safe?

2008-11-13T21:14:00.001-08:00

A while back I read an online news article about a man dropping off his children at a local hospital in Nebraska. He had been recently widowed, and was at a loss about what to do with his kids. That's the last I heard of it- until tonight. Tonight I read another article that claims over 20 children have been legally abandoned at local Nebraska hospitals.

The main focus of tonight's story was about a woman who abandoned her 18 year old at the hospital. A young lady who had a history of mental disorders and who had been physically abused and then left alone with her, dead, biological mother for a week when she was a young girl. A young lady who had been adopted- I assume from the foster care system. A young lady who has now been "abandoned" twice, by her two mothers... a young lady with mental illness.

How does someone recover from that and move on? Is there any hope that this young lady will mature into a socially acceptable adult?? I wonder.

What goes with out mentioning is the serious problems that lie within the foster and adoptive care systems.

The adoptive mother claims she was unable to get help for daughter- And felt that this way the authorities would be forced to get the girl help. Nebraska refused to take custody of this young lady, since legally she is an adult. Where is she now? The article reports that the mother left with the daughter. I wonder how that is working out? You can read it for yourself here.

Nebraska is re-working their safe haven law to include the word infant. It is currently written as child.

Watch It

2008-11-12T19:55:00.000-08:00

And it goes on...

2008-11-11T17:30:00.000-08:00

Hand washing dishes for 10. SEARS is coming to fix the dishwasher today. How long will it be until the needed parts arrive? The repair person is also coming to fix the washing machine - convenient that they both broke the same day- or perhaps a major pain in the ass?

He came, he went- the parts will be here on the 21st- he thinks. Lovely. Know how much laundry we'll have by then?? Last time this happened, in the middle of it all, we did 26 loads...

I have a long list of bloggers that I visit, when I can. In the last two weeks or so I have been so absorbed with the 8 campaign, all I can read is anything related to the Proposition. I've been missing all the funny and inspirational stories and writers and am getting a bit bogged down with the 8 talk- Yet, I can't seem to tear myself away.

A few people have expressed their condolences and said- "well, you can't win them all"- my response- "Yes, you can, oh yes, you can!"

I'm trying to move on here- but it consumes me. Facebook threads, blogs, newspaper articles, editorials, courage campaign, EQCA, Youtube... yes on 8 and no on 8 . I want to hear what they all say- both sides. I think it's an effort to understand where the yes on 8 folks are coming from. As much as I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I am having a very different reaction to this. And in this case, I guess I'm willing to concede that certain people have religious beliefs that do not allow them to think outside the box. They are entrenched in their faith to the point that they are unable or unwilling to allow another point of view to be reasonable.

See, if we were talking about a proposition that was to amend the constitution, say Amendment 1- limiting the free exercise of religion. I think, perhaps, it would not pass. The religious folks would be all over taking away their constitutional rights.

But that is where the argument falls apart for me. Regardless of personal or religious beliefs- an amendment taking my rights away is wrong. Pure and simple. Yes on 8 was, and is, wrong. And I know I've said it before, but I cannot get over people in my community, in our school circle, people who know me, know my family, had Käri as their child's first grade teacher, who voted yes. I can forgive it- slowly. I can buy their religious excuses as the reason behind their vote. I can't or, admittedly, won't forget.

So I guess 8 is going to haunt me for a while. Feel free to shield your eyes.

Nigh' Night

2008-11-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

Such goofy girls...

What are you?

2008-11-09T21:37:00.000-08:00

Mia and Gus come charging into the kitchen

Mia- "Mommy, I'm Mexican, right, I'm Mexican?"

Mommy- "Yeah, you're Mexican, why?

Mia- "Gus say's I'm not, he says I'm something else"

Gus- " Well, I'm an Omnivore..."

Mia- "See!"

Got garlic?

2008-11-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

It looks as though I will soon be delving in to the vampire world. A friend has agreed to lend them to me. Finally- no one wants to seem to let go of them.

Everywhere I go I hear women talking about the Twilight series books. Are they really that good? Some women seem to like the "soft porn" in the books others just love the story. I haven't even looked up what they are about or asked anyone really the story line is- I just can't escape the constant chatter about these damn books. The suspense is driving me nutty. Gotta read 'em.

We'll see how it goes.

8 is still in my head...

Trick or Treat

2008-11-07T20:38:00.000-08:00

Moving Forward

2008-11-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

I received a comment on my last post- someone I hadn't heard from before and while I don't always respond to each commenter I do read and appreciate them.

I took a visit to Erika's blog and stumbled on this piece. This isn't it in its entirety. I edited some of her more personal details out- I asked her permission to post her words here- but please take a visit to her blog. Be Gay About It Her eloquence is wonderful.

These words resonated for me. They speak of an experience that some of us have gone through in a remarkably similar way. Enjoy the read.

"I made it through my primary and secondary school years like every other normal girl, chasing boys on the playground, even “going out” with them in the milk line or cafeteria. In high school, I continued to crush outwardly on boys, but I invested every atom of my being into adoring my best friend. At the height of this adoration, I raised over $2,000 so that she could go to opera camp in California. It was in high school that the something small & heavy returned to the pit of my stomach, this time with a throatier growl.

In college, my high school best friend and I grew apart. (More likely, I scared her away with my intense, quasi courting rituals.) Enter: new best friend. My new best friend was different than anyone I’d ever known. Her outsides were beef jerky and her insides were marshmallow. We spent a lot of time together and, before long, our symbiotic bond had me quoting Rilke. What I didn’t realize at the time was that once one reaches the point where she can articulate her feelings only by reciting the verse of a dead, German, existentialist poet, she’s pretty much in love with a girl.

The plotline we shared surged and died abruptly and she and I stopped communicating altogether. The troll in my gut flailed and moaned. Left alone to collect the shards of our story, I tried to confront the troll once and for all. I bought a stack of gay-themed books, thinking I could negotiate with shame. After a month, though, I picked up the books and threw them into the large, green garbage can behind our house.

For the next few years, the troll remained with me, a parasite to my true self, an alter ego with a conscience. Alternately, I dated a boy, hung out at a few lesbian dinner parties (nearly vomiting at each one), dated another boy, and crushed really hard on a girl or two. I knew who I was through all of this, but I couldn’t tell myself the truth about who I was through all of this. I knew the words existed, but I would not speak them. Speaking them would’ve meant that I did not fit, that every message I had received through observations of my parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, through television shows, through magazine ads, through every soft rock ballad, through greeting cards — through everything — did not apply to me. I was different and, while I didn’t see anything wrong with how I was different, I knew that others did.

Ken Hardy captures my experience perfectly in his book Teens Who Hurt. He wrote “For adolescents who are in a state of questioning with regard to their sexual orientation, there is no breathing room, no space to take a deep breath and reflect. There is no margin for error. In a society that promotes heterosexuality, simply expressing doubt about one’s sexuality can be quite painful and costly.” I would extend his observation to include adults, too, as I remained shoulder to shoulder with my troll in this airless space well into my late 20s.

Because I live in a culture that promotes heterosexuality over any other sexuality, I have been marginalized my entire life. I felt butterflies for my friend who slept over in 1st grade, but I knew that expressing that would mean ridicule and isolation. I doted on my best friend in high school, but I knew that verbalizing that would have meant being ostracized by my peers. I dreamed of growing old with my best friend in college, but confessing that to her devastated our relationship and propelled me into a tailspin of self-loathing. Hardy remarked, “No matter how complex the difficulties with devaluation are for gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning youth, a firm declaration of their heterosexuality is believed to be the best remedy.” In other words, the dominant discourse is clear:

be straight, be straight, be straight.

In my mid-20s, the stress of suppressing my authentic self stifled me. In a desperate effort to create space in my life, I moved to Denver where, while working in a law office, I became friends with one of the female attorneys and her life partner. I spent time with them and their lesbian friends and attended the neighborhood open & affirming church a few times, broadening my exposure to people like me and people who accepted people like me. I acquired a new stack of books and read them without throwing them away. Narrative after narrative resonated. Through my conversations with my new friends and through reading, my troll quieted, the shame receded. I came out to my family, then to my friends back home. Each time I divulged my truth, waves of liberated panic flushed through me.

The society in which I live–our society, this society, here and now– ignores the possibility of me, disregards the reality of me, and limits the potential of me through its government, its laws, its media, its marketed portrait of family, and its sociocultural definition of normal. Three years ago, barely out of the closet and single, I did not understand the girth of this injustice. I did not address it with the passion that I do now because, now, as my partner Jenn and I build our future together, it’s personal.
"..."

Knowing that I am precluded the basic rights, benefits, and protections granted to my heterosexual counterparts elicits in me anger and sadness. But anger and sadness are emotions I can overcome. What really haunts me about the discriminatory social infrastructure that brands me as a derelict without taking into account my personhood is the argument made by opponents to homosexuality (also known as proponents of marriage)— that I have a choice. They simplify the issue of sexual orientation by implying that if I want the same rights, benefits, and protections that my heterosexual counterparts enjoy, all I have to do is choose the orientation that will grant me those rights. But even the mere fact that they are offering me this option proves that I am disenfranchised, that I am the second class citizen. (Not to mention, as my grandmother points out, they never had to choose heterosexuality). The only real choice I am able to make within this rigid, exclusive system is whether or not to live a genuine, authentic life and this violates our Constitutional promise of freedom and equality for all."

"..."

"Each and every time I meet someone new, I come face to face with possible rejection. Even with those who accept me for who I am, including my sexual orientation, I have a hard time stifling what little remains of the troll. I wonder, Do they really accept me? or What are they thinking? or Is this another case of ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’?. Over the years, I have mastered the arts of detecting nuances and bracing myself. One might argue that this is a stressful way to live; I would agree, but add that it is a necessary way to live when there is little to no recourse in preserving my safety and the security of my family.

One of my favorite musicians wrote, “There is so much to know and so little to fear in love.” This is what I believe to be truth. My greatest hope is that by speaking this truth every chance I get, I will be able to let down my guard. My greatest hope is that I will be evaluated by my personhood and citizenship, not by some mythical interpreation of what my partner and I do in our bedroom, or by superstitious beliefs about how that might impact our ability to parent, to file taxes together, or to share health insurance.

My greatest hope is that 7 year old girls and boys will not know what it feels like to be demonized.

My greatest hope is that we all will live, really live, genuine, authentic lives."

The inner troll, the crushes, the crushes on boys and girls, the attempt, the pressure to be straight, act straight, live in a straight world, be more feminine, more of a straight girl, the suppression of self, moments of panic, the idea that I have chosen this, the possibility of rejection...

And this-

"Over the years, I have mastered the arts of detecting nuances and bracing myself. One might argue that this is a stressful way to live; I would agree, but add that it is a necessary way to live when there is little to no recourse in preserving my safety and the security of my family."

These things that I imagine many straight people do not encounter. That are, perhaps, akin to the coming out experience, of identifying as queer. I don't know. I can't ever be sure because I am not straight. I can't walk in a straight person's shoes, if you will. In the same way I can't know, really know what it's like to grow up with a different skin color, or as a boy.

I can only make careful educated assumptions, inquire, wonder, read, and learn. And mostly most importantly, respect. Respect others that aren't me.

Be careful, be honest, move forward.

And Erika? Please forgive my crude editing- I wanted to let readers know that there was more to your post than what I put here- thus the "...". Your words felt healing to me today- I thank you.

Cage Results

2008-11-06T14:10:00.000-08:00

The animals won a bigger, or no, cage. (proposition 2)

Mine, became smaller. (proposition 8)

What to do?

2008-11-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

I am sad, bewildered, and I think mostly pissed. It's hard to know.

What to do now?

Really I just want to ask everyone I come in contact with how they voted on prop 8.
And if they voted yes- I want to say FUCK YOU!!

edited to add the photo- since I was tagged by Gwendomama!

Don't you get it? Don't you get how it feels to be marginalized? Don't you get how you've just told me that my love, my life, is wrong? Don't you get that there is a separation of church and state? If your particular brand of religion is against gay marriage- so be it. Stay out of the constitution.

How do I look at the playground aide, the brownie troop leader, the mom who gave us a meal after Käri had surgery who says "they're okay, but not the rest of those gay people?

I'm sure it's displaced anger. Anger at myself for not doing more, saying more, being more outspoken to everyone, anger at 52% of Californians.

It's a strange place to be. I wish I could speak more eloquently about it all- this will have to do.
For now.

We have received several e-mails and phone calls commiserating, expressing their sorrow at 8's passing and overall expressing their support for us and our family. Awfully nice.

4 times

2008-11-04T11:09:00.001-08:00

Four times I have welled with tears this morning.

Apparently, I am more anxious about this election than I thought.

The first was talking to a friend this morning who is voting for McCain- I can respect that, but then when talking further she avoided Prop 8 discussion other than to say "it's a huge discussion at my house".

I don't understand how this friend can support me and my family and yet, more than likely, vote yes on 8.

The second was listening to NPR replaying Obama talking about his grandmother.

The third listening to voters speak on NPR after they had finished voting.

And the fourth was after I completed voting and my little girls were so good sitting at the table coloring and eating cookies- thinking about their future, wondering about the outcome of this election and recognizing how much our country needs change.

Will it happen?

My oldest, Leo, told me he really wants Prop 8 to lose because he wants us to be happy, he doesn't want us to have to separate, "because won't it be against the law, for you to stay together if 8 passes?"

Yes on 8, no more...

2008-11-03T20:24:00.000-08:00

At least there are no more 'Yes on 8' signs on certain roads in my community any longer- I was just informed this morning that any political signs on public property is against the law! I had no idea. On our way out of town on Saturday morning we drove past a couple of men with a truck load of 'Yes on 8' signs. They were stopping along the highway every so often and planting them on the side of the road. Expressing their opinion, all right, I thought... Ah, but then to find out they were breaking the law. It was my duty to rectify that situation. Along the way I also picked up a few McCain signs... ALL were illegally placed on the side of the road. I made no attempt to hide my actions- the law was on my side.

And let's not forget I had an accomplice or five... The extra grown up grabbed some signs, as well and the other four, well, it was an opportunity for learning. They looked for the color yellow and counted- "Two mama, two"

23 Yes • 4 McCain (edited to add)+2 more yes...

My civic duty... Complete.

Home Again

2008-11-02T21:06:00.002-08:00

The good news is they all slept great in the hotel. The bad news is they weren't quite perfect-

I wrote a paragraph or two of all the mishaps- read it over again and then deleted it... I won't focus on the negative- let's just say, my expectations were higher...

Eight kids in the car for a five hour trip in the pouring rain- quick change in a hotel room, one covered in vomit and on to the wedding - full of family and a bunch of strangers.

Five hours of wedding activities including poking the large fire pit/bar-b-ques with long sticks, playing hide and seek, dancing, and eating, all in the pouring rain. The outside deck was covered with various tarps, but it was impossible for the kids to keep dry- all the water was way too alluring.

A return to the hotel room for a late bedtime, 10:00- one big 'ol tantrum- and up at 5:30 (we did turn the clocks back before we went to bed). Out to breakfast in a small town where it seemed that everyone there was a friend or family member and then back to the hall for some help cleaning up. A walk to see the old cabin and Auntie Michelle's house, and then back into the car for a five hour trip home- thankfully in dry weather.

In the end- they did fine- no catastrophes, just some hiccups.

It was a great wedding- a fun time. The ceremony was brief and perfect for them- fun to see some forgotten faces.

Going to the Chapel

2008-11-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

I've been humming it all day...

It wasn't exactly a chapel, but a hall in a little corner of redwoods in Camp Meeker. How I love this place. Summers were spent here in our family cabin when I was a pre-teen and then teen. So many great memories of family and later friends at Meldave (our cabin's name). I'd hike around the roads and trails, ocassionally forging my own, and tromp through the creek. Some days we'd pack up and head to the beach in Monte Rio or sometimes Guerneville. Bring a lunch and hang out all day reading Evergreen or the 'Attic' series. I explored St. Dorothy's when it wasn't occupied and once went snipe hunting late at night. Many rounds of moanin' rummy and learning to play Pedro- watching my aunts and uncles laugh, cocktails in hand. Sleeping on the screened in porch, a little scared at the night noises surrounding the cabin. Always cold at night ,snuggled in a sleeping bag, and the days warm and hot. Perfect weather!

Today we returned for my sister's wedding. She married her partner of fifteen years. They were giddy, nervous, and excited. My other sister lives in Camp Meeker and was eloquoent in her officiating the ceremony. A lovely and lively party that we left before it was over. Dancing, singing, drinking, talking and laughing.

Relatives, friends, kids... Many years of history and memories in that room. Many came from Colorado, Utah, Los Angeles, and from all over the Bay Area. So many good feelings and warmth.

I was surprised, a bit, at some of my relatives who actually attended, and my father who agreed to walk my sister down the aisle- how far he has come to do this for her, with her.

A fun time, a good time, a legal time.

From the backseat

2008-10-28T21:12:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned earlier, my oldest son and I were talking politics on the way in to school today. Included in that discussion was the fact that I know of people who are not voting for Obama purely based on the fact that he is black.

Abe- "Mama, when I grow up are other grown ups going to boss me around?"

Me- 'Well, if you work somewhere, you'll probably have a boss that will tell you what to do..."

Abe- "No, I mean because my skin is dark. Will people boss me around because I have dark skin?"

Me- Swallow- "No Abe, like slaves is that what you mean? No, that doesn't happen anymore, everyone respects everyone else no matter what they look like"

Abe- "Oh, right 'cuz Abraham Lincoln fixed it and his name is the same as mine"

Me- "Right..."

All I can think about these days...

2008-10-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to feel irrational about proposition 8. Silly me, getting all irrational over something that affects my life.

See, I'm not necessarily all that concerned about getting married- although yes I did just get married- call me a hypocrite if you will. It's really not the point is it? Marriage, I mean. It's about having the choice, being recognized as being just like everyone else, no different than John and Mary.

I'm all about hearing different opinions on everything- including prop 8 (or 102 in Arizona- the other one escapes me at the moment since I'm in a bit of a writing Frenzy) or anything else. I do believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion. And that I need to be respectful of that. There are different lines, I suppose. When I was of an age that I realized my white grandfather calling all Asian people Chinks or Asiatics was wrong, I would scoff at him and say "Oh, Pa" He knew, I knew and that was enough. If my child was to use the same derogatory language a simple scoff would not be enough. There would be a discussion of calling people names, how it makes them feel- perhaps a bit of history and a huge NOT OKAY!

I believe I mentioned a while back a discussion I had with my 12 year old regarding Bush- Leo was talking about how we hate him- I backed him up a bit and changed the verbiage- We (meaning mommy and I) don't agree with his politics, but I assume he is a nice man, father, friend...

I hear arguments for Prop 8 that quote the bible, that say they are protecting the "institution of marriage" of what it was meant to be, what it has always been, historically, religiously, as referred to by God. And when it comes down to the final line, the final bottom line?

What is really being said is I'm not good enough. I'm not "normal", not equal, different, wrong. My love, my life, my children, don't cut it. We are not allowed in.

Are we really that terrible? Such sinners, wrong doers, "sodomites". Go ahead, tell my children. Five of whom we "rescued" yeah, rescued, from lives full of drugs, violence and filth. Three who pediatricians and doctors have assured us would have died without our care.

Tell them we aren't good enough. That they are not good enough to live with us and have the same protections given to those who are the children of parents that are legally married- straight people. Our biological children had to be cross adopted so that we would be considered the legal other parent. Thousands of dollars for lawyers and court dates. Because we weren't legal.

Käri jokingly referred to me as a political activist, as I placed my 'No on 8' and Obama pins on my chest. We talked about Canada this morning... Good riddance the conservative right says...

On our way in to school this morning, Leo says "I don't get the Yes on 8 signs- they say they are protecting marriage- how are they protecting marriage". I explained how some (benefit of the doubt here) of the Yes on 8 commercials and ad's are misleading some in fact plain 'ol wrong. "Isn't that illegal", he says. (Putting wrong information in their ad's) We talk about political battles... He shakes his head and says "I just don't get it". "Me either" I say and inside I seethe.

There are few things in my life that I get hot and bothered about. At this point I am riding a fine line between tolerating a different opinion than mine (on 8) and saying "I can no longer associate with you".

I'm losing it. Losing my tolerance, my acceptance. It'll come back, but right now, just livid.

Remember that film about blue eyed kids being better that brown eyed kids- It was a psych. film, an experiment, and how the kids reacted. There were superior attitudes and tears. The better and the worse. The included and the isolated. At the moment, isolated... and pissed.

"Love does not delight in injustice but rejoices in the truth" Corinthians 13:6

Anti-Miscegenation, Marriage, and Proposition 8

2008-10-20T13:48:00.000-07:00

In an effort to educate myself on Prop 8, I was reading up on the 14th Amendment and Anti-Miscegenation laws. There is a lot to read out there... These were some pieces that I found interesting.

I copied a lot of information from Wiki- These are all regarding Anti-Miscegenation, not gay marriage or any reaction to DOMA.

"Miscegenation (Latin miscere "to mix" + genus "kind") is the mixing of different racial groups, that is, marrying, cohabiting, having sexual relations and having children with a partner from outside of one's racially or ethnically defined group."

"In 1958, the political theorist Hannah Arendt, an emigre from Nazi Germany, wrote in an essay in response to the Little Rock Crisis, the Civil Rights struggle for the racial integration of public schools which took place in Little Rock, Arkansas in 1957, that anti-miscegenation laws were an even deeper injustice than the racial segregation of public schools. The free choice of a spouse, she argued in Reflections on Little Rock, was "an elementary human right": "Even political rights, like the right to vote, and nearly all other rights enumerated in the Constitution, are secondary to the inalienable human rights to 'life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness' proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence; and to this category the right to home and marriage unquestionably belongs."

I love what this woman had to say.

"In 1967, the United States Supreme Court unanimously ruled in Loving v. Virginia that anti-miscegenation laws are unconstitutional. With this ruling, these laws were no longer in effect in the remaining 16 states that at the time still enforced them."

Midred and Richard Loving

41 years ago- 16 states still enforced laws regarding whites marrying non whites- 41 years ago...

"...it took South Carolina until 1998 and Alabama until 2000 to officially amend their states' constitutions to remove language prohibiting miscegenation. In the respective referendums, 62% of voters in South Carolina and 59% of voters in Alabama voted to remove these laws."

Only 62% and 59%? Holy hell.

"On June 12, 2007, Mildred Loving issued a rare public statement prepared for delivery on the 40th anniversary of the Loving v. Virginia decision of the US Supreme Court, which commented on same-sex marriage.^[8] The concluding paragraphs of her statement read as follows:"

“ Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don't think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the "wrong kind of person" for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people's religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people's civil rights.
I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard's and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That's what Loving, and loving, are all about.
”

Tomorrow, to celebrate 20 years together, we're getting married, again (the first was deemed against the law- thanks for trying Mayor Newsom).

Oh, and just for the record, I'm voting No on 8. You should too.

I recently had this to say over here.

"I would agree that the thought of ripping the YES on 8 signs out of my neighbors lawns did cross my mind. For me, it didn't come from a place of hate. It came from a place of fear and discouragement.

I didn't and wouldn't tear the signs out. I believe in the right of free speech and equality for all, and all opinions, even ones I don't agree with.

Thus the reason I will vote No on 8- without hesitation."

Hey, Sarah Palin

2008-10-19T20:12:00.001-07:00

I've said I don't want to waste a lot of energy bashing or even discussing Sarah Palin- but this, this is damn funny!!

I didn't go looking for it, it found me.

More milk

2008-10-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

Gus "Can I have some more milk"

Me "Why is it we have to always feed you and give you things to drink? What's the deal???" said jokingly , of course...

Pause...

Gus "Hey, you born me- get used to it!"

Waiting

2008-10-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

12:15

Lumps where they don't belong

Look okay, but one is suspicious

Waiting

Waiting

Clean bill of health and another fifty years, please

Happy Birthday to me

1:34
Whewwww...

Dr. says all looks good

Surgery went well

Still in Recovery

Questions for the Dyke

2008-10-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

Stolen from Kathryn...

Are you sure of your sexual orientation? Or are you confused? Not confused. But for the record, I'm still attracted to men in a 'I wouldn't kick his shoes out from under my bed' kind of way.

Are you open with your sexuality? Or is it a secret? I'm out, mostly, but not completely- entirely. I'm careful around strangers, sometimes parents at school- often leaving out pronouns or referring to 'my family', omitting direct references to Käri and/or her gender.

Who was the 1st person you told that you’re a lesbian? My straight friend/roommate from high school/college as I lay in a heap unable to eat. She surprised me by accepting it without hesitation. In fact I believe she said something along the lines of - okay, so now what....

Is your hair short, medium, or long? Short. I've tried slightly long, but cannot stand it.

Would you ever shave your head? Yes, but it would be ugly.

Do you own anything with the Gay Rainbow on it? Yes- stickers on the car.

Do you consider yourself a Stud, Androgynous, or Femme? Not a Femme, not a Stud, not Androgynous... No makeup, men's shorts, pink floral shirt, and Keens...hmmm...

What type of females are you most attracted to? Butch, but Käri is anything but, and I love all her curves.

What FAMOUS Lesbian is your favorite? Rosie O'Donnell

Do you like watching The L Word? Yes.

What is your favorite lesbian movie? Can't remember any of the few I've seen.

Do you have any Pride tattoos? If not, would you ever get one? No- maybe.

Do you go to Gay/Lesbian clubs? No. There aren't any where I live. Although I would love to hangout in a Gay/Lesbian coffee shop/bar/bookstore/dinner house...

Would you ever be a Drag King? (If you’re not already) Yeah, I don't think so.

What name would you go by if you did do Drag? Would that be a boys name or girls??? Probably my alter ego Trixie or maybe Molly.

Have you ever been mistaken for a Male? Since I was a kid- many times.

Would you ever have a sex change to become a Male? No.

How do you feel about Homophobia? Ridiculous, fear driven, ignorance.

How do you feel about Gays/Lesbians having children? Let's see... :) If they want 'em and are ready for the challenge- Go!

If it were legal, would you marry another Female? We did it once already and will do it again on our 20th anniversary this month!

Have you ever attended a Gay Pride Festival? Oh yes- such affirmation.

Do you wear make-up? Nope.

Do you carry a wallet - or a purse? Leather backpack, but I tend to leave it in the car a lot and just carry my wallet if I'm going to need it or just money and cards in my pocket.

Do you wear Male clothes? I love men's clothes- always have. Unfortunately, my ass is too big for most of the pants- and pink is my favorite color to wear.

Do you prefer wearing cologne instead of perfume. Neither.

Do you have several piercings & tattoos? I guess, one tat and three holes in my ears.

Do you have a crush on a female celebrity, if so, who? I love Whoopi.

Do you have more Gay/Lesbian/Bi friends than you do Straight friends? Almost all straight.

Have you ever been gay bashed? Not that I am aware of.

Did anyone stop having contact with you after you came out of the closet? No.

What is your favorite gay/lesbian quote? Can't say that I have one- although I do like the "There's more of us than you think".

Do you believe you were born a lesbian? I think so, yes.

Are you proud? Or ashamed of your sexuality? Proud, never ashamed. Careful sometimes, but never ashamed.

Miracle at St. Anna

2008-09-28T08:46:00.000-07:00

I left the movie feeling ashamed and embarrassed to be a white person. Recognizing that I wasn't one of the characters in the movie. Knowing I wasn't a racist asshole, but still embarrassed. I looked at the posters that the Nazi's plastered on the wall in Italy with disgust and wondered how and why they reminded me of caricatures of black people eating watermelon.

Do all people see those images in their minds eye? Was it something I've seen before so it reminded me of that? Is it because I'm white and inherently racist towards others of a different color that the image floated into my brain? Am I inherently racist? Does being white make me prejudiced?

For years now I've wanted to adopt a black baby. Is that because I have some old fashioned, distorted, racist, view of "all black babies being cute". Or because of a dream that I have had about having a little African American boy in my home- a real dream? Or is it the fantasy of having so many children all different shades of browns and pinks? Or is it my need to rescue and help and being haunted by the images of the orphanages in Africa?

Welcome

2008-09-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

The mystery reader came forward!

Ana!!

And everyone else too!!!

Stat Counter

2008-09-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

I rarely look at my stats- tonight I wandered over...Someone is reading every single one of my posts- or most of them anyway. Many on the 22!

Who are you- come on 'fess up!!! I'm so curious.

Assumptions

2008-09-24T14:08:00.000-07:00

When Religion Ruled The World- they called it the dark ages. Hmmm..good bumper sticker.

I'm on my way to pick up my kindergartners, windows down, music blaring in the 15 passenger van, when up pulls a mini van. A bit disheveled, older, tan van with an elderly occupant in similar condition. We are stopped at a red light, idling away. He looks at me, can't quite get the view he wants, so scoots up for a better look. His window is open, he looks again, stares, smiles, guffaws and yells through the opening.

"Ya got a bunch a kids packed in there?"

I nod, smile, "Yep". (Only two at the moment, but it's usually packed with kids).

"Bwahaha" he responds. A slight smile plays on his elderly face. And off we go.

Friendly, Critical... I don't know.

As he pulls in front of us I read his bumper sticker.

When Religion Ruled The World- they called it the dark ages.

Not what I expected. I love that. When my assumption, my leap to a stereotype, perhaps, blows me away. The crinkled up face, dangling cigarette, age of the vehicle. I would have expected a Bush '04 sticker, not something I could relate too, laugh at, and appreciate.

P.S. Did you notice my kids have faces???

Towers

2008-09-22T21:06:00.000-07:00

I joined Facebook. I did. Weird. Another new adventure to explore. Cole referred to it as Face Crack- Oh my, all I need, another addiction. I'm always curious about people I used to know and thought this might be a groovy way to check them out... We'll see.

A friend from way back that I found on Facebook (hey Jen!) pointed out to me that I haven't posted since September 11. It wasn't until then that it occurred to me that I posted Dish Drainer Jenga on that day. Talk about weird! I posted a picture of a tower of dishes that were sure to collapse and titled it with a trademark game name that is all about trying to keep the tower standing. Come on, that's a little freaky!

OK, wait, it also just ocurred to me that the way we found out about the towers collapsing was from Jen! She was in Africa working and finding her first baby... and e-mailed or instant messaged questions about the towers- we did not have a clue until then. Jen, what else are you connected to?

I haven't been keeping up with my reading of Blogs or writing- I've been feeling neglectful on both counts.

Yesterday, was day two of wicked PMS- Käri was driving me crazy, the kids nutty, the house... low patience, cranky, sleepy... however, dinner still needed to be made. I had found some recipes over at Pioneer Woman Cooks- most especially her chocolate cake and had been wanting to try it. Not exactly dinner, but it was still early enough in the afternoon that I could accomplish both. I made Kär some stuffed red bell peppers from a recipe I found online (pretty yummy) and the kids and I had BLT's, or really Bacon and toast- who am I kidding? One child had lettuce on her sandwich with the bacon... And of course the chocolate cake (which was, as promised really, really fabulous- especially still warm and gooey).

It wasn't until later, that I realized that I felt better- not so cranky, not so impatient. When I mentioned it this evening Käri pointed out that cooking is a creative outlet for me. Something I need and don't get enough of... like blogging. So, I'm going to make more of an effort to capture the time and write the nonsense and the drivel of my life.
I promise- to me.

Dish Drainer Jenga

2008-09-11T19:31:00.000-07:00

Which one to pick first?

Politics

2008-09-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

I have been following a conversation over at RSG. Politics.

The Republicans sure have been successful in getting Palin's name all over the place. I have a hard time believing that that wasn't part of the goal in choosing her...

Here's my comment- it was kind of long...

I’ve read these last two posts, slowly, over the last two days. I’m a left wing democrat from California, so reading is a struggle for me, plus I’m lazy, being a liberal and all.

It has nothing to do with the fact that I am raising eight children under the age of 12- five of whom we have adopted from the foster care system. Because yes, we do know where children come from, and we are acting responsibly, thank you very much. And we would make a better t.v. show than John and Kate, as a commenter recently suggested. (However, this would probably be a good time to admit, we haven’t seen the show) I could be convinced to live with a film crew and exploit my children, and “lifestyle” for a few years in order to pay for a college education for each of my children. Producers are calling day and night to sign us up. We just can’t decide which network.

We choose to have one parent stay at home for a variety of reasons- and try and make do on one teacher’s salary. Shall we throw education into the discussion here? Let's not.

Family values… I too, would have to agree that children belong with their family- whether that be birth family or otherwise. AND wholeheartedly believe that it is each family’s choice to have their children cared for by others or not.

I would assume SP wanted a career and a family. She’s got both. Same for Obama. Kids garner votes- every politician flaunts them if they’ve got’em. As for Trig? Well, my drug affected kids had needs, we met them as best as we could, while also dealing with the other needs of the family. You can’t ignore everybody else for one or two.

A government supported family leave program and childcare? How is that not supporting families? Thus supporting family values?

Also, SP on the democratic ticket? with left wing policies? same family??? I’m thinking Bethany has a point. She’d be lauded for holding her family together while chasing her dream and helping the country.

As far as her 17 year old being pregnant. I’m not sure what parent could have stopped that from happening. Values, and politics aside. 17 year old girls have been getting pregnant all on their own for a long time now and it doesn’t seem to be wholly dependent on a parent remaining home or not.

With all of that said- Obama gets my vote. I like his politics better. Period.

I can’t be bothered with who leaves their kids, or moves them. Which church they go to or don’t . Muslim, Protestant, Male, Female, Brown, White, Bald or a Full Head of Hair, Married, Divorced, Widowed, POW, Veteran, Gay, Straight, Monogomous, or not… I’m looking at their politics.

I'm not voting for McCain, so I don't really care much about Palin and don't want to waste a whole lot of negative energy bashing her or anybody else. What's the point?

I'm It

2008-09-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

Six Things about me that I haven't shared before?

1. A long time ago I did something(s) that could be considered either a misdemeanor or a felony- depending on the discretion of the court. It was a folly of youth. I was under age and I never got caught. I am assuming that the statute of limitations has run out.

2. Along those same lines...I used to go to traffic court (all those speeding tickets- opps) as a minor and represent myself even though you were supposed to have a parent bring you. It surprises me a little that I had the huevos to do that.

3. I was in love with a girl in high school, but didn't recognize it until a few years later.

4. I came very close to losing my virginity when I was in seventh grade- but then didn't until I was 18. (Does that count as two things? I think it does.) and 5.

6. Criminy... I'm pretty much an open book and am having a hard time thinking of something that I haven't written about before... This evening I ignored my dirty kitchen to spend time on my computer sipping a cocktail before the bedtime madness.

Will that do?

It's going to have to, because now the bedtime flurry has begun. Two down, six to go... And the kitchen waits!

I'll tag: Zipntizzy, Lelo, Sheesha, Laurie (NJAC) and Jody (ABM6).

Knowing and Wondering

2008-09-01T16:01:00.000-07:00

I finished a book yesterday.

I love to read, but often don't make the time. One of the problems I find is that once I've started I don't want to put the book down- even when my children need something. I also get perturbed if I am interrupted while reading a book. It's not as bad if I'm reading a blog or magazine article- perhaps it has something to do with the length of the book or a deeper level of thought and involvement- on my part- when I'm reading a novel.

I try to read at night, but am often too tired. I'll hold the book in my hands as I'm laying in bed, with my bedside lamp on, and then roll over, put the book down, and turn off the light. All without even turning a page.

The last couple of months I've made a renewed effort and have been successful in finishing several books. I alternate between trash and worthwhile stuff. I love Maeve Binchy, Belva Plain and Pat Conroy, Anne Lamott, and Sue Monk Kidd.

Yesterday, while supervising the clean up of the family room (one of these days I'll remember to take a before and after picture), I finished Forever Lily. I wasn't thrilled with the style. The writer told her story interspersed with many dreams. The dreams were part of the story, but I got to the point that while I knew they were significant, I just wanted to skip them to keep reading the story.

Beth Russell describes her trip to the Chinese orphanage in anguishing detail. The babies two to a crib, lying silently, in row after row; the older ones bundled thickly and bound in a sitting position in a chair, lining the hallway. Most of them girls. Waiting. Some waiting for families, some waiting to die. They don't cry because they know it doesn't get their needs met.

It's not a surprise that the author ends up with the baby. It is clear throughout the story that she and the baby were destined to be together.

I finished the book, knowing that this is why we have eight kids. It is destiny. It is our path. I don't think we are done yet- and that is why I keep say never say never. I'm not attracted to babies just because they are cute and vulnerable, begging to be held and cared for. It's because I am supposed to be there for them.

Even today, as I am whiny and cranky from not having enough 'me time', I realize that it's true. Even after a trip to the local doc in a box on Saturday, at bedtime for a two year old's bladder infection, and after Grace vomited at Applebee's (we left a very big tip) last night. Even after I finally pulled up the piece of carpeting, in the closet, that Abe had used as his own personal litter box. Even after I look forward to sleeping all night long. I wonder when the next phone call will come. I wonder if we will say yes, again.

Continuing the Conversation

2008-08-27T21:22:00.000-07:00

The twins love to jabber. They will talk about anything, anytime, filling the space with the sound of their own voices... Yesterday, while we drove home from kindergarten, we had part 312 in this conversation . It went like this-

Mia: When I grow up, can I have a baby?

Me: Only if you want to

Mia: Well, if I do, how does my belly know I want to grow a baby?

Me: You get to be in charge of your body and make that decision when you get to be an adult.

Mia: What if I can't get a baby in my belly?

Me: Than you can adopt.

Mia: Does that happen?

Me: Yep. Lots of people want to have a baby grow inside of them but for some reason it doesn't always work.

Abe: What if I want to want to have a baby? I can't because I'm not a girl. Only a girl can have a baby.

Me: That's true, but you could adopt, or if your partner is a girl, then she might want to have a baby by getting pregnant. Or if she doesn't want to get pregnant or can't, then you could adopt.

Abe: Well, but, I'm going to live with you forever, so I think that I will just help Mia take care of her babies and we can still live in our house.

Mia: We'll have to get bigger beds.

Me: You don't have to share a bed. You could be in different beds.

Mia: Oh.

Abe: And then I can help, and you can be one of the grandmas.

Me: Okay.

Mia: If I get to decide when I have a baby, then I want to have one now!

Me: Oh no, you have to wait until you're a grown up.

Mia: Oh, right, okay.

Me... Please, oh, please, wait...

The End

2008-08-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Their bodies glisten, shimmering as they emerge from the water, dripping. Pulling themselves up and out. Fingertips, elbows, belly, one knee up- akimbo like, then the other. They hoist themselves, water streaming, to the deck. Laughing, chattering, they leap again.

Repeat.

Summer is almost over. New backpacks for the new kindergardners have arrived, shiny and unstained, embroidered with their first name. A family tradition. Number five and six begin next week. How is that possible?

I look forward to the return of the routine, the schedule. I will miss the easy days of summer, endless breakfast, as they each wake up at their own pace and come to the kitchen. Cleaning up after each breakfast session over and over... well, okay, I won't miss that part.

I can't believe the school year is here.

Waiting

2008-08-10T11:40:00.001-07:00

What to do when there are too many words

2008-08-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

In lieu of my words...

Mia says Hi!

We tried to get pictures through photo booth of her dancing to "Man I Feel Like a Woman", but there was too much blurry- she's a dervish, slinky shoulders and all...

Hey, Gwendomama!- see those martini shakers in the cabinet behind???? :)

Sometimes you just need a little more protection

2008-07-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

and your brother's shoe...

FIVE! She was wearing 5 pull ups. Just. in. case.

Normally, she wears one plain 'ol diaper.

Beastly Breast Bashing (couldn't resist...)

2008-07-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

Waiting with five other women. About to bare breasts. A club, am intimate club. You'd think there would be more camaraderie, a bit of nodding, smiling. There is none. Surprising that we read our magazines, check our email, write this.

Each woman takes their own seat, one away from the other, of course. Only when every other seat is taken do the other seats begin to fill, carefully chosen, who to sit next to, but not look at or touch. We wait to be squished, bras and shirts folded carefully on the chair, bras tucked underneath, hidden.

I want to question the women emerging. Did it hurt as much as last time? Your breast squeezed between two plates. Did you pay the five bucks for the soft pad? Did it really help? Squished with softness...

I adorn my pink paper vest, listen to the woman repeat "there's a vest on the back of the chair, did you wear any powder, lotion or deodorant today, okay please undress from the waist up and wait right here, someone will be with you in a minute." How many times a day does she repeat that?

New machines, all digital, now the old machines have been retired. I wait, listen, type. There's a mirror so we can examine our reflection in the pink vest, sharp shoulders, the new shoulder pads?
Damn, I wish I had my camera.

Patricia?
My turn.

Done now. Squished complete. Didn't hurt as much as last time. Even though I didn't pay the extra $5 for the soft pad. Wonder what it will feel like next year?

Off for the blood draw. Make sure all the butter isn't raising my cholesterol.
Next.

Blogher The Recap, for me

2008-07-23T08:55:00.000-07:00

Nervous Excited Fun Tired

Anxious Inspired Overwhelmed Motivated Impressed

There were so many women, so much noise, so much to take in and absorb. Babies to look at (I even stole Her Bad Mother's son for a bit, with her permission, leaving my conference badge behind, since she didn't know me at all), people to talk to, conversations to have, lunch with Rocco DiSpirito, swag to be had, friends to make, double beds to be shared, rommates to be met, notes to be taken, parties to go to... It was endless. Down time was hard to find. I decided if I were to come again, I need my own room.

I loved my roommates and the noise and atmosphere. I had a great time. Since it was my first year, I think I mostly absorbed it, the pieces that I could. Perhaps another time I'll be able to take more that 9 pictures and really take it all in. Maybe.

And now to address the Closing Keynote.

#1 Vi? Were you there? Did you feel the tension in the room? Or was it just around our tables? And yes, actually, I am a counselor, therapist, trained and qualified. Did I really think I could make a difference? Have you heard the starfish story? The boy throwing them back to the sea...

Here is the scene as I saw it. (I've tried to find a live account, podcast or something, but have been unable) Fabulous interview of Heather Armstrong- Dooce- and Stephanie Klein - Greek Tragedy- by Elisa C. I'm not going to recount the entire interview because I can't remember all of the details, but it was well rounded, talking abut the pros and cons of living their lives and letting parts of it hang out for the internets to see.

At one point, the three women on stage were talking about negative comments, insulting words etc. Heather referred to a post she had just read that was linked to her and that referred to her as a hobbit. She laughed a bit and acknowledged that the woman who wrote the post may very well be in the room and be upset with her for bringing it up. (My words, not hers) One table away sat said blogger, Jenny - The Blogess- . She sat up straighter, tuned in to the words spoken about her, heads swiveled, to watch her reaction. She smiled broadly, pointed to herself, in a 'yeah, that's me she's talking about' kind of way. Not proud, not reveling in the moment, but aware, acknowledging. I watched. And felt the air, the energy, the tension. These two women are strangers to me, I have never met them, I don't read their work... After some processing time, Jenny stood and a microphone wrangler found her. I cannot capture her words exactly, the sentiment was clear. She proclaimed her fascination with Dooce -very famous blogger, 'A' lister, everybody reads this woman- well, except for me apparently- and reiterated some of her post where she had compared Dooce to Santa Claus and Jesus as well as a mythical hobbit. She proclaimed her love for Heather and exclaimed "I even bought your fucking book, I love you" in a nice way.

During the time when Jenny was speaking, Heather hung her head, crossed her legs and arms, and looked at her lap. Jenny finished, the conversation moved forward, no further comment from Heather.

The tension in the air was palatable. What had just happened?

In my view, through my counselor, always trying to help, eyes, I saw two women both hurting. Now, perhaps it was selfish on my part. I'll admit that. I was tense and roiled. And also very aware that this event may be interpreted in many ways, and talked about, gossiped about. I also may have been wrong. I can take that. It was my need to clear the air, or at least try. And as Red Stapler 23 put it I was being a shit disturber. Also very much me- at least if you know me well.

One more thing. A few months back (whoops, last September), I made, what I thought, was a humorous and innocuous comment on a popular blogger's site. My attempt was to point out a possibly outdated and perhaps prejudicial and racial term. My comment did not come across as such. And the next days post was a reaction to my comment. Now, intially I was all like WHOA... and then I stepped back, realized that much is lost in printed words, that which is better conveyed along with facial gestures and body language. Chris reacted to my comment with little knowledge, if any, of who I am or what I meant. Not her fault. Maybe it was the last straw of the day, the month, the week. Maybe she had enough of people commenting on her words, every nuance and adjective criticized. In the end I'm still not sure. I was not attempting to attack and I think she knows that, now- after further explanation. (As a side, I did introduce myself to Chris at Blogher as the 'flesh girl', I'm sure she thinks I'm just a big 'ol whack job).

This experience had a lot to do with why I stood and said

'I'm nervous about saying this out loud and I am doing so because I know words can get misinterpreted when they are written not spoken... I was curious about your response, Heather, to Jenny's feedback for you '.

Probably not exactly those words, but close. Heather responded with the question of whether or not Jenny was still in the room- turns out she wasn't. I didn't know that. Heather then said she didn't want to answer with out Jenny there. Understandable. She doesn't owe me or anybody else... I, unlike others (oh, they're out there, you know they are) did not think that was an unreasonable response.

And after, after the keynote was over, I hightailed it up to Heather, introduced myself, apologized for putting her on the spot, and told her where I was coming from... two women hurting and all. She told me it was okay, and alluded to information that I was unaware of, something about the past, I believe.

Later in the evening, Emily introduced me to The Blogess, Jenny, as the woman who got up and asked Heather for a response. Jenny said that she had spoken with Heather since the keynote and that she thought things were better, okay, even.

So there it is, from my perspective to you. Whoever you all are.

Jeeezzz... all those links, whew.

Edited to add: Somehow I posted a portion of this earlier this morning, I withdrew it, but now it's finished. For real. 2:12 PM

The Morning After

2008-07-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

So many women got manicures and pedicures before attending the Blogher conference. Not me.

Take a look at these babies, why don't ya??

How many women had a pedicure the morning after??? Hmmmmm... ??? Also accompanied by a homeade banner reading "Welcome Home Mama", and breakfast in bed (toast and a glass of water)??

I'll try and sum up the Blogher conference experience tomorrow. Tonight , I'm so tired I can barely form a thought. I sat around in my pj's all. day. long.

Blogher #2

2008-07-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

In bed at 2- up at 7:30. Managed to ward off an impending panic attack with the help of pharmaceuticals...not sure if it was an attack or just exhaustion. All was well.

Watching, watching interactions, laughing, people, women, talking, gleaning. Should I protect my children's privacy? Is it okay to blog about racial issues, being a white woman? Is mommy blogging radical? These questions and more discussed today.

These women spoke tonight for the keynote speech. Individual women selected and then chose a past post to read aloud. Funny, touching, powerful words.

A few read deeply courageous writings of hurts, depression, body image, suicide attempts- not that the others were not courageous, but these few that I am referring too made me pause and hold my breath. So amazing.

Tonight party at Ruby Skyes- old theatre, beautiful in the inside. Loud, pulsating music, good food, free drinks. More chatting (yelling). So many women, a handful of men.

I crave the quiet, the dark.

Until tomorrow.

Blogher #1

2008-07-18T00:55:00.000-07:00

B.A.R.T.

Rubios for a quick taco and a beer quivering a bit calm the nerves , please...

Luggage spilling-only three bags -just not used to the hustle and bustle. The City. Writing helps - all the concentration shifts to the thumbs, thumbing the ipod touch.

In walks, dark longish hair, nicely dressed, wheeling a pink suitcase- looks out of place- we exchange a smile. She sits, eats her salad, Fiesta salad, red glasses, green tunic- emerald green, brown pants, black shoes, purse atop your bag. Fellow Blogher? I think, maybe.. Will see if I see you later..

9:15 PM I think I saw you in the lobby, passed right by . That was her, but was it?

10:45 PM In the hall, around the corner from the noise. The din of the collection of writers.
In the hall is right where I want to be.

A baby a woman fellow blogher, taking the babe for a walk Mommy Needs Coffee giving birthmom -Mothergoosemouse- I think, or maybe Her Bad Mother- a break. To hold that baby Ohh, I want to hold that baby- can't get away from them.

Anti- social maybe, but good very good place to be.

Like being a fly on the wall hidden a bit behind and between some columns.

To Be Continued

Sharing

2008-07-16T19:29:00.000-07:00

I think it's a result of being the youngest of five children.

I rarely had anything that was mine. Many of my clothes were hand-me-downs. Toys were shared. I can clearly picture myself at the dinner table, arms wrapped around my plate protecting my food. My oldest brother wouldn't so much steal my food, as just screw around with it. My seat in the station wagon was often in between the oldest two boys in order to diminish their fighting- instead they fought over and around me.

Having my own space was rare. Although, as a sophomore in high school I became an only child and that was very strange to have my own space, but that is another story.

I discovered blogs and started my own around two years ago. Blogs and blogging became my thing. The computer became my amigo.

It turns out that Leo also enjoys the computer, and every chance he can get he will ask to use mine. He creates these fabulous spoofs, using Garage Band, editing, adding, generating these amazing pieces of art- amongst other things. Problem is, I don't want to share.

I want this computer to be MY computer. I want to play at my leisure, leave a million tabs open and flood my desktop if I want ,and not have anyone disturb it. Kind of like when I lived by myself in college and used the same utensils, plates, and pots over and over again, using them, cleaning them, and returning them to the dish drainer. No one ever came in and made a mess of the kitchen, turned on the radio, or left their crap all over the couch. The house and it's contents were mine all mine- for a short time anyway. (Inevitably my roommates would return from their summer break and invade my space).

I want to whimper when he asks to use it and sometimes I do. It has gotten so bad that even if I am not planning on using the computer in the near future, I still want to say no- just so it's there, if I change my mind.

I'm at the point where I am ready to by a new computer (the current one is very outdated) for the household, so he can fool around on that, leaving mine alone. Selfish, but true.

Tomorrow- Blogher! And, hey, I get to meet my roommate in real life!

Checks and Balance

2008-07-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Blogher, holy crap, is a few days away.

New wardrobe? Check.

Manicure? Check.

Pedicure? Check.

Hair cut? Check.

New Shoes? Check.

Reality? Yeah, remove all the above checks!

I still have nail polish on my big toes left there from Pamper Mom day in kindergarten two months ago. Please... Jeans, t-shirts, Birks, Keens, my fleece jacket (It's cold in The City in July). Packed, or at least they will be.

I found this on one of the blogs Käri reads. She used to tease me for my hobby, now she has her own computer and her own lengthy list she reads daily, hmph.

"Many stereotypes abound. Most of the time we do not know what others are experiencing deep inside themselves. We see them and their situations and often make unfair assumptions. Sometimes we can control or at least manage our challenges, other times, as much as we would like to, we cannot. I would hope that we would be more sensitive and understanding of one another, of those who are overweight or dealing with other challenges, whether they happen to be "controllable" or not, and whether those trials are visible or not so apparent" -Pamela H. Hansen (Running with Angels)

I love it. Makes me want to get the book. I assume it's a book, haven't even looked it up. Guess I'll do that before I get in bed.

The Original Thong

2008-07-07T09:52:00.001-07:00

The Equation

2008-06-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

When your air looks like this

And your child has this

And you have tried this

3X

And it's 11:30 PM on a Saturday night

You end up here

A little touch of croup added for good measure.

All is well. Home and in bed by 2:00 a.m. Medication on board. Abe was a trooper. Happy, in fact, to have his sojourn at the E.R.

Mower For Hire

2008-06-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

Leo's 12. He is a typical first born. We've done everything for him. I still cut his food- not all of it, but certainly some of it. He's 12. He needs to learn some skills, something other than reading, video games, and Star Wars facts. He also wants to earn some money. We thought learning to mow the lawn was a good place to start.

Little sis, following along.

Stuck in a rut.

At this point, he was stuck in the driveway and couldn't figure out how to get back to the lawn.

Figured it out!

I laughed a bit to watch him figure it out. He was so proud to start the mower himself. In the end, I sat and sipped a cocktail (it was 6:00 PM!). He did a great job.

Next time, the edger.

Just a note. He's a good kid- does everything we ask- fetch a diaper, take the garbage out, watch your sister, help your brother, he does the regular expectations of keeping his room clean, making his bed, and his daily chore is feeding the dogs. He's cleaned a toilet, washed a dish- we just need to keep on building the repertoire.

Gas and Goodbye

2008-06-25T20:54:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! Today I filled up the gas tank in the Excursion.

Yes, we drive large cars (the other one is a fifteen passenger van)- we have a large family.
End.Of. Story.

The Excursion holds 40 gallons. Gas today was $4.46 a gallon.
Drum roll, please...

Total for 38.76 gallons? $173.22!!!!! For a flippin' tank of gas. I was stunned, and also thankful that the cut off is no longer 75.00, because I would have to have had three different transactions.

If only we could come up with a better solution to transporting our brood around...

Our little three month old is gone. She went home with dad this afternoon. She was a sweet thing. Leo and Grace were visibly saddened. It is always hard to say goodbye. We took pictures and will talk about her gift of time with us, for a while. It felt good to have a baby in the house. The hand-off to dad went well. It felt right and safe. We will hope it truly is.
Good luck Macy!

Nutz

2008-06-23T20:33:00.000-07:00

So today, I'm dropping off my oldest son, Leo at the movie theater. I deliver him to his friend and grandmother and circle the parking lot to head back home when I spot a white pickup, parked with something hanging from the back hitch. It catches my eye because of the way the decorative item is hanging from the hitch and the bright blue color. I had to stop and stare, because really, I couldn't believe my eyes. There, hanging from the hitch of the pickup hitch was this...

Oh, my freaking frack... What in the world wold possess someone to hang balls off the back of their vehicle?

I swear to you that the ones I saw were slightly different, in that they had a slight nudge of a bulge right in the center and above the testicles, suggesting the presence of a penis. I swear to God!

I went home to grab my camera- didn't even have my cell phone with me- and went back to the parking lot to snap the shot. Sadly, the truck was gone. I had to make do with an image off of a web site that sells these lovelies. Funny, when I was searching for an image I came across an article discussing the ban on hanging these creatures off your car. You can see it here. The senate voted on a bill in FLA to ban them... Gay folks can't adopt in Florida and you can't hang testicles off your hitch...Hmmmm. Kind of makes you think, huh?

I have never seen these before, and really, have no need to see them again.

∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆ ∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆∆

In other news…while I was circling the parking lot looking for the pickup with the nutz, Käri called from home. She had taken a call from the local CPS office with a referral for a three month old little girl who needed placement. (A few weeks back they called seeking placement for two sisters one and two years old- we said no.)

Tonight, I sit typing, while she snoozes in the swing. She's a cute bugger. A bit fussy, but she seems to like the swing. Looks as though it will be a short placement, relatives are waiting in the wings, which is why we said yes. The county was desperate for placement, and while nothing is ever set in stone, it really does seem that she will only need our care for a few weeks. No pictures, sorry, I'm abiding by the rules this time - at least for now!

Let's hope she is a good night sleeper.

Almost Home

2008-06-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

Käri is on her way home from the grand state of Utah...she just called to check in after turning the wrong way twice and then taking the long shortcut to get back to where they were supposed to be, she's about a half hour away. She went with her teaching partner, Susan. They've been gone for five days, but we have spoken each day, more than once and we even joined the 21st century and used ichat (very fun).

I can barely understand her on the phone between the laughing and singing to Tim McGraw- God help me, country music-. She's had a fabulous time scrappin'- Yup, they drove to Utah for scrapbook conference, retreat, whatever...lots of free stuff and good times. Seriously.
Everybody has to have a hobby...

We are taking separate vacations this year- she to Utah, me to San Francisco. A bit weird, but okay.

I'm glad she had a good time and I'm glad she's almost home.

It is

2008-06-21T14:26:00.000-07:00

It is what it is and I can't change it.

That's my mantra and I'm usually pretty good about it when it comes to my parents. It wasn't easy or fast- in fact it took many years. I've never been in formal therapy- except for myself- but as I get older I think more about it.

Growing up, my father was a drunk. I suppose a prettier word is and alcoholic. In my head he was a typical construction worker guy. I thought construction workers were all the same, he and his buddies were. After work he would have drinks with his buddies, especially Friday's. He always had beer or vodka at home. He has had some sober years, after I left the house, but now his drinking is much more unpredictable

I have many and various memories of him getting physically intrusive and abusive with my siblings, cousins, and me, after he had been drinking. He commonly drove drunk, sometimes with us in the car. Once, in eighth grade, at a school dinner/carnival function, he shit his pants and had to ride home hanging on to the window of the pickup, standing on the outer step. Another time he drove up to his family cabin to join his brother, sister and families and me- I was old enough to drive myself and had spent a few days by myself before the other family members arrived. He pulled in, in his El Camino and stumbled into the cabin, slurring, lazy, droopy eyes, saying hi. His sister quickly sat him down to a meal where he proceeded to droop his head and fall into his food. I watched. He stirred himself and began to ramble about going into town to get more beer. His siblings and spouses did nothing. I told him no and struggled to get his keys out of his pants pocket, convincing him to lay down for a while. After, I went to the car and took out the nearly gone 6 pack and the empties. I checked on him and found that he had peed on himself in his sleep... My aunts and uncles avoided me and we never spoke of it.

Fun times.

I can replay these scenes over and over again. The colors of his El Camino, the cans on the seat, his wobble, the looks from his siblings, my little cousins watching, my uncle steering them out of the room, the trees around the cabin, the stillness, the chaos in my head and the need to take care, while despising the acts of helping as well as the 'adults' disgust, yet lack of action.

So many other scenes play.

My parents love each other. I know they do. It is obvious to me and to others- sometimes I don't understand why my mother didn't leave him and then I know- she loved him and still does. Dependence, co-dependence, whatever. They'll celebrate 50 years next April. I celebrate their marriage as well. The family they raised, their commitment to one another. Thick and thin, good times and bad, and all that. They've done it.

My mother- she has her faults too.

Don't we all???

My parents are in town this weekend. Arrived yesterday around 3:00 and will leave on Monday morning. My mother was asked to be the god mother of my cousin's newest baby. My parents are staying with Käri's mom- she has extra space, so do we. They never stay with us when they come to town. Too much for my father to deal with. The noise, the chaos. Really, can't blame him (or anyone) for that. Yet, I see in my mother the desire to hang out and play with the kids, swimming, visiting, playing. When she visits by herself she does stay with us and spends all her time with us. Usually, when they both come, they stay with my aunt and uncle and spend most of their time with them.

I anticipate their arrival each time, with a mixture of excitement, anxiety, and dread. I would like my kids to have a relationship with them. A positive relationship. It was one of the reasons we moved back to California. And yet, I wait. ( Yesterday, I had to have a little ativan to help me wait) Will my father be drinking, will my mother be anxious about his drinking, will it be tense, will he be physical in his jokingly intimidating way, with my children, will he run to the store for some more tortilla chips and return drunk (it's been done before- once with my two year old son in the car...), will I have the guts to tell him to get out of my house and if I do will he ever return?

They have just left my house. They were here for about five hours yesterday evening, my mother came at noon today (my father had been golfing and came 30 minutes or so after her). Mom slept in this morning and hung out with Käri's mother before she came over. They left a bit after 2:00. We won't see them again until they are on their way out of town Monday morning. My mom played and went swimming with the kids while she was here. When my dad arrived he was fine. Thirty minutes later, not so much- he went into the house by himself to make a sandwich, when he emerged a few minutes later he appeared to be drunk, blurry confused, wobbly, softer... Did he find the vodka? I looked for evidence- refused to smell his breath (cuz yeah, you can smell it don't let anyone tell you you can't- although, I am an expert on smelling it and recognizing drunk symptoms. I can also count drinks like nobody's business- talents of growing up with a drunk). My mom got out of the pool and within forty five minutes they were gone. I spoke to my mom over my fathers head- just like when you are with a child- told her not to worry about it.

It is what it is, right?

Edited: In response to Process... My children are never left in my father's care, and in fact ,as a family, we have only been to my parents house a handful of times in the last ten years. I have spent time with my folks, with one child at a time, for a few nights, so my mother can get a grandchild fix. I am always with them and on guard.